Nineteen
by skysedge
Summary: Hair that had obviously been styled and then pulled out of place. Lips that were unmistakably swollen from kisses. It was clear, even to Kyon's fuzzy logic, that Koizumi was angry and more than a little upset. Itsukyon.
1. King of fools

**A/N **_I once said I could never believe in this pairing. Oh dear. _

_I've never written for this fandom before, but am now posting this at 4:28 am after staying up all night writing with MySapphireEyes. This could be a very good or very, very bad thing. I have a gig to be at in 8 and a half hours. I may not survive but at least I was able to start showing my love for the glory that is Itsukyon._

_If any details are wrong, I've only watched the anime and read a light novel and a half although I've picked up quite a lot by scouring the web for shameful BL goodness. This is set post-anime and so please forgive any...strangeness. I've tried my hardest._

_The second half shall be up in a few days, if I don't actually die from a combination of lack of sleep and moshing. I hope to see you then. XD_

_**Disclaimer: The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi and all characters belong to Nagaru Tanigawa and not to moi. No money is being made etc etc you all know the drill.**_

_**-x-**_

Someone had been missing from the party.

It hadn't been so pitifully small that one person made a big difference to the overall experience but it was noticeable nonetheless. It was more than noticeable, if Kyon was honest with himself. It was closer to upsetting than merely noticeable but not quite upsetting either. It was as though he'd gone for a long train ride through a beautiful countryside but had forgotten to bring his mp3 player to amuse him. He would enjoy the experience but spend the whole time knowing that something wasn't right.

"Shut up," Kyon murmured to himself, shoving his hands into his pockets as he walked.

He really did think too much when he'd been drinking and wasn't yet at that blissful point where his higher brain functions went to sleep, but stuck in overconfident know-it-all mode. His mind, which already provided a helpful running commentary to the joke that was his everyday life, was attempting to be poetic. It was painful to listen to, even inside his own head.

He turned a corner and was nasally assaulted by a large blossom tree. The heavy scent made the air feel almost palpable until he was virtually swimming through the sickly sweet atmosphere just to get past. Usually, trees like this made him feel nostalgic. He'd remember the days when he had never had enough time to stop and appreciate their beauty as a raging Haruhi would drag him past by his tie and he'd be forced to walk at the head of an eccentric procession. The good days, he supposed. It felt like a very long time ago.

His steps halted suddenly and he stood at the edge of the blossom miasma. Now he thought about it, those days _had_ been a relatively long time ago. After thinking hard for a few moments, he remembered that he had just in fact been attending his own nineteenth birthday party and felt suddenly and painfully old. He started walking again, cursing the blossom tree for having given him such an epiphany and trying to recapture the feeling of youth that was slipping away as quickly as the last evanescent hints of blossom.

Nineteen wasn't old, right? It wasn't even an important date. Eighteen was important enough and twenty could be considered significant but nineteen was some sort of limbo age that shouldn't mean anything to anyone. He shook his head fervently, somewhat chaotic logic making sense through the - technically illegal - alcoholic haze.

No need to feel gloomy then, right? And there was no reason why he should have been upset that Koizumi hadn't turned up. Or called. Or even had the courtesy to text. Kyon fought the urge to facepalm, suspecting that he might miss if he tried. _That_ again? What the hell was wrong with him? It was just _Koizumi_ for god's sake.

It wasn't like he'd been deprived of company since the rest of the SOS Brigade had turned up along with Taniguchi and Kunikida – who he couldn't seem to get rid of, like an embarrassing disease – and a few new acquaintances from university, who could probably be called friends. He'd had a good time; Haruhi had been as normal as it was possible for her to be, Asahina had stunned everyone they passed on the street, Nagato hadn't freaked anyone out and although he had found himself plied with alcohol –Haruhi's idea – it had actually felt like a celebration. The mismatched group had spent the night sitting in the local park with too much food which had been mostly ignored and made more noise than they probably should have. When they'd decided it was time to head home under the pretence of Kyon studying for a test the next day rather than admitting they felt a little unsteady, Kyon had even been approached by a new female friend. She was cute, if nothing on Asahina, but one glance at Haruhi had convinced Kyon to decline.

He should have been walking home buoyed up by the ego boost and the usual warm feeling of having spent a night in good company. Instead, here he was being angry at the stupid esper boy. Kyon grumbled incoherently to himself and tried to walk faster. He needed sleep, that was all.

It wasn't as though they didn't see each other often, either. The move from highschool to university meant that they no longer met every day since their timetables clashed and they lived in dorms spread throughout the area. Despite this, they still found time to meet every week on Thursdays, a day chosen by Haruhi because it meant she would have time to organise weekend trips for the five if the mood took her. It often ended up this way and Kyon spent most weekends with the ragtag group too. They'd sit around a table like old times, usually in Kyon's room as it meant he then had to provide food for his 'guests' in place of paying the late fine, and listen to Haruhi's latest passion with the trusty Othello board laid out to provide a distraction. Nagato would read books which seemed to get progressively thicker and although Asahina wouldn't have to cosplay – tragically – she would wear outfits picked out for her by Haruhi. It was basically business as usual.

Which meant that not seeing Koizumi today wasn't a problem since it really was just another day, nineteen being such an unimportant age and all. Furthermore, he'd seen the smug bastard on Monday which was only two days before for an impromptu games evening under the disguise of a study session. So it wasn't a problem. It wasn't like he was possibly Kyon's closest friend or anything like that.

"Shut up," Kyon mumbled again. He _really_ needed sleep. Haruhi would pay for getting him into this state.

The streets were virtually empty since it was verging on three in the morning so Kyon undid the top buttons of his relatively smart shirt with relief; the air was hot and sticky, promising an uncomfortably hot day ahead. He meandered dejectedly through the streets, absently wondering where his friends had procured so much alcohol from. It seemed to gravitate towards students their age without having to be sought for. Just as he was deciding that Haruhi had probably sought it out anyway, the silence of the night was broken by a strange yelping sound.

Kyon paused in his journey and listened hard, mind trying and failing to let him know that suspicious night noises were probably not something he should be sticking around for. Sure enough, another noise soon greeted his ears, the distinctive sound of people trying to keep their voices quiet and failing spectacularly. He couldn't make out any words, but it seemed as though one voice was doing most of the talking, while another made noises of hesitant agreement. Curiosity outweighing his sense of danger, Kyon walked forwards until he was level with an alleyway running between two tower blocks.

His eyes narrowed in confusion and he stood outlined against the street, thankfully going unnoticed by the men in the alleyway.

"What?" he murmured, taking a small step forward as his brain attempted to shift gear and work out just what it was that he was seeing.

It did this by breaking the situation down into simple stages and ran a little like the summary of a cheap mystery novel. Fact One: the source of the noise was two men leaning up against one alley wall. Fact Two: one of those men was leaning back against the bricks, arms hanging limply by his sides while the other seemed to be holding him there, face near the first male's ear. Fact Three: being in an alleyway and trying to be quiet at three in the morning was suspicious. Fact Four: the yelp from before probably denoted pain or fear. And finally, Fact Five sunk into his brain with surprising clarity.

Fact Five: the tousled light brown hair and handsome face could belong to no one other than the infuriatingly well-behaved esper, Itsuki Koizumi.

Kyon was already walking forwards as his struggling mind presented him with the first plausible conclusion. Koizumi was in the hands of some terrifying, violent night-thug who was probably threatening him for money or something equally cliché. It would explain why Koizumi hadn't been at the party and hadn't been able to call or text and therefore relieve Kyon of the shame of being annoyed, once this situation was taken care of.

He was already a few metres away and had shouted some sort of threat by the time he realised that Koizumi getting mugged at three in the morning would not explain where he had been for the rest of the evening and that the mugger in question seemed to be their age and wearing a smart outfit, rather than the desperate wear of a starving junkie.

"Hey, what are you-"

The shout of the 'mugger' was cut off abruptly as Kyon slammed a fist haphazardly into the youth's jaw. It was a badly aimed blow fuelled by nothing but slightly confused drunken anger but sent the male sprawling to the floor. Kyon took in the ruffled black hair and what looked suspiciously like a lovebite on the guy's neck before standing in front of Koizumi and waving a hand around vaguely.

"Get away from him," he snarled but felt his confidence slipping already. He sounded horribly like the hero in some childish drama. His knuckles hurt too. Seeking some confirmation to justify what he had just done, Kyon turned his head to the left. Koizumi was waiting for this and caught his eye instantly, honey coloured orbs shining with something that definitely wasn't fear or relief.

"Kyon," he said, tone clearly surprised but voice also strangely deep. "What are you doing here?"

His brain having finally managed to find the gear stick, Kyon was mildly surprised at the lack of '-kun' which Koizumi stoically insisted on using when addressing him. He had time to take in the slightly swollen lips and flushed cheeks that now faced him before the fallen youth pulled himself to his feet and pointed an angry finger at him.

"Who the hell are _you_?" he yelled.

Kyon turned his head away from Koizumi slowly, heart sinking into his stomach with dread. He didn't know what it was he was dreading exactly, only that he had done something very stupid that would probably require sobriety to understand. Thankfully, this wasn't likely to happen instantly.

"He's a friend, Akira," Koizumi said and Kyon was all too happy to let him answer. "From highschool."

"Oh, really?" the blonde asked loudly. "One of the friends that you go out to see every week that you don't want me to meet, right?"

"It's not that I don't want you to-"

"Fuck it, Itsuki. I should have listened to the others. Woulda saved me a lot of time and energy."

"Akira, wait for just one-"

"You can keep the three months I'll never get back. Have fun with your _friend_."

Kyon could do nothing but watch as the guy hurried down the alleyway, hands balled into angry fists, and was then swallowed by the network of city streets. He watched the now empty alley mouth for a few moments, not sure of what had just happened and unwilling to face his friend. A soft sigh warmed the skin of his cheek and he turned on impulse. Now the immediate threat or whatever it had been was gone, he had time to truly appraise Koizumi's appearance.

Hair that had obviously been styled and then pulled out of place. Lips that were unmistakably swollen from kisses. Smart clothes that were almost fashionably dishevelled. And more noticeable than anything, eyes that contained no trace of their usual perpetual amusement. It was clear, even to Kyon's fuzzy logic, that Koizumi was angry and more than a little upset. Feeling an uncomfortable wrenching in his chest looking at that expression, Kyon swept his gaze back down, coming to rest on one of Koizumi's hands.

"Since when did you _smoke_?"

This sentence broke the silence so powerfully that Koizumi jumped a little before raising the smouldering cigarette to eye level like a guilty child. After a long moment, one corner of his lips twitched up and he laughed softly.

"_That's_ the first question you decide to ask?"

Kyon took a step backwards, realising he had been standing too close to the esper for a while now. He felt himself smiling in response quite against his own will and more as a defence mechanism to detract from the embarrassed blush he could feel heating his cheeks.

"Why not?" he countered, finding the words difficult to form. "It's as good a place to start as any, right?"

Koizumi's eyes widened for a moment and he leant forwards, scrutinising Kyon's expression.

"Are you _drunk_, Kyon?"

"There you go with that 'Kyon' again..."

"Are you?"

"It _is_ my birthday," he stated, remembering his anger from before. He was just riling himself up to righteous anger when Koizumi sighed again and lowered his eyes.

"I know," he said, with that Kyon selfishly hoped was guilt in his voice. "I wouldn't forget." The esper took one drag from the cigarette before dropping it and grinding it into the alley floor. "Filthy habit," he murmured before grabbing Kyon's wrist in a firm grip and beginning to walk away.

"Come on."

"Where?" Kyon would have sounded defensive and stubborn if he wasn't letting himself be dragged along behind Koizumi like a confused balloon.

"My room. It's nearby."

"_Why_?"

Koizumi turned back for a moment and flashed Kyon a smile which was unnervingly handsome when coupled with his current tousled appearance.

"You had some questions you wanted to ask, didn't you?"

-x-

"Hell."

Kyon sat on the edge of Koizumi's bed, trying to fight the undeniable beginnings of sobriety. Koizumi himself had vanished after saying something about water, leaving Kyon alone with his upsettingly clear thoughts.

He tried to distract himself by looking around the dorm room and comparing it to his own. It was small but not overly cramped, with enough room for a narrow standard issue bed, a wardrobe, a study desk and a small chest of drawers. It was mostly tidy, as Kyon would have expected from his friend, apart from a pile of clothes that had been scattered near the mirror hanging on one wall as though Koizumi had been choosing an outfit for...

Kyon closed his eyes and dropped his head into both hands, watching the slideshow of gathered images and impressions on the back of his eyelids. _Three months_. He kept hearing the words echoing in his head like a broken record. _Three months._

"What the hell have I done this time?" he asked aloud as Koizumi quietly opened the door and slipped back in.

"Made life considerably more complicated," the esper answered without a hint of a smile. He sat in the desk chair opposite Kyon and handed him a glass of cold water. "But that wasn't the first question you've asked me tonight, was it?"

Kyon took the glass and sipped the water nervously, unwilling to meet Koizumi's eyes. He watched as a bead of moisture slid down the side of the glass. It managed to reach his skin before Koizumi gave in and broke the silence.

"You wanted to know about the cigarette?"

Kyon nodded, wishing his vocal chords hadn't stopped working, their ability to work apparently decreasing at the same rate as the alcohol in his bloodstream.

"I started smoking before we met, Kyon. And don't pull that face, I know it was too young. It's not something I'm proud of. Anything else you wanted to ask?"

"You weren't being mugged, were you?" Kyon asked, voice void of emotion. To his chagrin, Koizumi smiled softly.

"No. Unfortunately for you."

"Are you drunk?" Kyon asked suddenly, latching on to the idea like a drowning man reaching for a plank in the aftermath of a shipwreck. "Because you sound different."

"I had been drinking, yes, but I hold my alcohol better than you," Koizumi replied with the hint of a smirk. "No, I have not developed unhealthy habits since leaving highschool and no, I have not fallen in with 'the wrong crowd' so don't even consider suggesting it." Kyon closed his mouth. "I only sound different to _you_. I told you before didn't I? I'm not always as pleasant as you'd like."

"You mean as pleasant as Haruhi would like," Kyon mumbled, needing something to be angry at other than himself. Ignoring him, Koizumi continued.

"But no, Kyon, I was not intoxicated enough to lose my sense of reason. I'm sorry if this disappoints you."

Although he knew the answer already, something drove Kyon to continue asking questions. He didn't like the barely veiled anger in Koizumi's voice and was already looking back fondly on the days when he could believe in the perfect, smiling facade that Haruhi was undeserving of.

"What the hell were you doing then?" The anger was back. Not a pleasing development.

"The word would be 'kissing', Kyon. Something even you've been known to do on occasion."

"But not in alleyways at three in the morning with some suspicious guy!"

"Perhaps not, but in secret nonetheless," Koizumi answered quickly. "At least, you didn't tell the girls. Am I not permitted to have my own secrets?"

"It's not that, it's-"

"Then I'm not permitted to kiss whomever I wish? Is that it, Kyon? And who exactly would you prefer it had been?"

Kyon froze, mouth already open to answer. He held his tongue but the silence was heavy with words that arose unbidden. _Someone normal_. But what did Kyon know about this Akira guy? He could be perfectly normal, probably more normal than any of Kyon's friends, other than the fact that he had been pushing Koizumi up against a wall at three in the morning. So not _someone normal_ then but _someone female_. Kyon met Koizumi's eyes and saw nothing but anger and disappointment. He wanted to wave it away and tell the esper that it was no big deal, in fact he had been expecting it but it _was_ a big deal and he _hadn't_ been expecting it, regardless of the constant invasion of personal space and suspicious comments. Half of Kyon had been convinced that it was all some act to provide Haruhi with entertainment; girls had strange tastes that confused Kyon but he couldn't deny they existed. True, Koizumi had never truly seemed to appreciate the glory of Asahina in full cosplay mode and had never admitted to having a girlfriend, even when Haruhi herself was irritating them all by complaining about her latest ex-boyfriend – they were never boyfriends for long, after all.

In truth, it was the surprise that was hurting Kyon even as he tried to pretend it wasn't. He couldn't get the image of the two of them out of his mind.

"Don't bother answering."

Kyon glanced up to find Koizumi leaving the room again and flinched as the door slammed behind him. While he was alone, Kyon sighed deeply and stared at the pile of discarded clothes. The anger slowly drained from his features and he just felt tired. He didn't move when Koizumi returned, looking up only as a tumbler was placed on the desk next to him. He turned questioning eyes upon Koizumi who was holding his own tumbler along with a newly opened bottle of vodka. The esper offered Kyon an apologetic smile, a pale shadow of his usual grin, and raised his glass.

"I won't tell if you won't."

Smiling weakly back, Kyon put his glass of water down and picked up the tumbler. He wondered if his underage liver could cope but then mentally shrugged and raised the glass to his lips. To hell with his liver; he needed this right now. The phrase sounded so stupidly cliché in his head that he cringed. After a few minutes during which neither youth spoke and the tension in the air drained away, Kyon glanced back at the pile of clothes and cleared his throat.

"Who was he?"

Koizumi seemed surprised at the question but answered promptly, pressing the glass against one cheek as he spoke.

"Less than my partner but possibly more than my boyfriend," he said in a matter of fact tone. Kyon was surprised when hearing the words aloud didn't sound as strange as he had expected. "He's one of my classmates."

Kyon couldn't stop himself from letting out a snort of laughter at the mere mention of Koizumi's course. The esper had started a course in Philosophy, to no one's surprise. The whole situation seemed less surreal if the suspicious blonde wasn't a mugger but a philosopher in disguise.

"How long..."

"Three months," came the expected reply. Kyon's chest ached guiltily. "Although we met at the start of the semester."

"Did I really screw things up?" Kyon asked, lowering his eyes and hating the uncharacteristic gentleness in his voice.

"If by that you mean 'will you see him again' then no, I doubt I will. I've used up my one chance, you see. I've got a reputation for..."

"Sleeping around?"

"No," Koizumi narrowed his eyes a little and Kyon wisely closed his mouth. "For having a bad track record. Not quite as bad as Suzumiya-san's but bad enough to be known. It's taken him months to trust me. He assumed you were my secret lover, the one he created to fill all the times I was away visiting you and the Brigade." He smiled softly and shrugged before downing the rest of his drink. "Akira is a wonderful person, just a little too paranoid."

Kyon swallowed past the lump in his throat and looked guiltily back at the clothes. Catching the look, Koizumi nodded.

"We'd gone out tonight, a sort of quarter-year-anniversary. His idea. I would have rescheduled it but he's very pedantic about dates and times. I didn't want to miss your party. I suppose karma has seen to it that my selfishness has been duly paid for. Was it good?"

Kyon blinked owlishly before draining the rest of his glass too and setting it down none too lightly on the desk. He had entirely forgotten his earlier gloom. Suddenly, Koizumi having been absent from the party meant nothing at all.

"Stop acting like you don't care!" he said hotly. "Why aren't you angry at me? Hell, _I'm_ angry at me and I have nothing to be angry about!"

"Because," Koizumi said cryptically. Something about the intensity in his golden eyes worried Kyon. They were too sharp. He was missing something. The fog once more beginning to descend upon him, he was at a loss as to what it was.

In the silence that followed, Kyon stared at Koizumi across the room and tried to work out what was going on behind those eyes. He wanted to ask so many pointless, insensitive questions. How long had Koizumi been secretly dating? Did he think he couldn't trust his friends with something like that? Was it as difficult as teen dramas led you to believe? Was Akira as important as he sounded or was Kyon just being overly sensitive? He couldn't keep from returning to that blonde, all schoolboy good looks and anger that was on the line between too mild and too violent. Had he really wrecked something beyond repair just by being _drunk?_ He'd never drink again if this was the sort of stupid issues it brought about. Haruhi was going to pay big time...

"So?"

The question cut through his internal monologue and he focussed his eyes to see the bottle being offered towards him and a sincere, if less than vibrant, smile.

"Was it good?"

He held out his glass and nodded. There was nothing else he could really do.

-x-

It happened after five in the morning.

Kyon had definitely seen the digital clock on Koizumi's nightstand switch over because he remembered thinking that it really was Thursday and his birthday was well and truly over. The summer light was colouring the sky and leaking in under the curtains, casting everything in the room in shades of blue and grey. He wasn't sure why it happened. Through the mist of vodka, lack of sleep and shell-shock, Kyon could remember Koizumi moving from the chair to the bed and draping his arm around Kyon's shoulders. He could vaguely remember leaning into the esper, as he distinctly remembered how soft Koizumi's hair felt against his cheek. At the time, it hadn't seemed an unusual thing to be feeling. He _couldn't_ remember turning so that he was sitting entirely on the bed, nor could he recall the exact movements he'd had to make until he was lying on his side, one arm trapped underneath Koizumi's body.

However, he could remember the moment he felt lips against his own. It was distressingly difficult to forget. And he had kissed back. He couldn't find any reason not to, not at that moment.

He could have blamed it on the alcohol but that didn't explain why he hadn't laughed it off or fallen asleep by the time the clock rolled over to six. By then, his mind seemed obscured by another mist entirely and he realised that he would now have difficulty working out which legs were his or when they had crawled under the thin duvet. He had no idea what had happened to his clothes. But it wasn't a problem, right? It didn't feel like a problem.

Kyon didn't want to remember what happened after. The room had been bathed in morning light so he didn't even have the cover of darkness to soften the reality. There were some things that, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't make himself forget. Koizumi had tasted vaguely of smoke, something that wasn't as unpleasant as he had been led to believe. His skin had been soft, as soft as any girl Kyon had ever been with, and that had been surprising but welcome. His kisses had been tender which ruled out the possibility that this was some sort of twisted revenge for Kyon's mistake in the alleyway. Kyon wasn't sure he had ever been kissed like that before.

Another thing that he couldn't forget was the few moments when his senses had gone into overload and he was left with a vague memory of intense, but almost comforting, heat. He felt ashamed even thinking about it but at the time his mind had blissfully ignored anything except the sensation. He could remember his hands in Koizumi's hair and small noises and shallow breaths.

And there was one more thing, perhaps the thing that he could remember most clearly.

"Call me by my name."

The request had been made quietly, in a voice Kyon had never heard before. Somehow, this made it all the more poignant. A voice and a question just for him. He had waited before obliging, waited until his senses left him reeling and his mind slowly came back into focus. He was lying on top of the sheets now, with Koizumi's head resting on his shoulder, light hair in complete disarray and lashes resting against his flushed cheeks. As the dawn light grew brighter, Kyon had a moment of absolute clarity.

It didn't matter that he had been angry before. It didn't matter that he had been surprised. He had started to see it in the alleyway but now the fact hit him like a gust of warm air; for all his faults and secrets, the esper was special. Special and beautiful. It didn't sound so strange when he said it aloud. Koizumi smiled against his skin but remained silent. Kyon licked his lips as though suddenly nervous and closed his eyes.

"Itsuki?"

Kyon could feel the smile this time, one as vibrant as the plastic grins he fabricated but entirely natural.

"Hm?"

"Thanks."

"Why?"

Kyon frowned almost imperceptibly.

"Because," he murmured before sleep enfolded him at last in its velvet arms.

-x-

It was a shock when he awoke and turned over to see the digital display reading ten in the morning. He stared blearily around, fighting against the urge to go back to sleep combined with a throbbing head and aching muscles.

Koizumi was still asleep. Kyon slipped out of the bed and stood on shaky legs.

With a silent groan, he realised that he had been nineteen for ten hours and had already missed an important test, been hit by his first serious hangover like a bag of bricks to the face and had slept with the guy who was possibly his closest friend. The guy. Closest friend. Shit. He was starting to feel old again.

Kyon had dressed and left within five minutes, not daring to look back. Once the door had shut softly behind him, Koizumi opened his eyes and stared blankly at the wall.

"Good morning," he whispered.

-x-

**A/N **Sleep now. Please. God. Please click the green button and let me know your thoughts! The last half shall be up very soon. Love and cookies to anyone who managed to get to the end. XD


	2. Teen hearts

**A/N**_ Oh my, sorry for the wait. I know if I were you, I would never accept an excuse but please refrain from killing me. Since last posting, I've been to three concerts, moved out of uni, been to Liverpool, Cornwall, Shropshire, Wales and Scotland and spent a week in London. I shall never promise an overnight update again. _

_Anyway, in the time it took to update this it morphed into something much longer than originally planned and so shall be three chapters, all of which are likely to be epic sized.I also fully intend to hammer the M rating into it at some point. I hope this makes up for the wait_

_Super huge thanks to everyone who reviewed. I get nervous writing for new fandoms so it means a lot. It's safe to say I'll be writing lots more for these guys in the future. Onwards!_

-x-

"Koizumi-kun told me you would be calling," Asahina said in a sweet voice.

Kyon almost dropped the phone in shock. If there was one way in which the already terrible day could be made any worse, then dear, innocent Asahina being made aware of the situation would be a strong contender for first place.

Since leaving Koizumi's dorm that morning, Kyon had stoically avoided his classes and instead sat in his own room and fought the compelling urge to scream. A year closer to being an adult he might have been but the truth was that he didn't have the slightest idea about what he was meant to do now.

First of all, he had tried to think through exactly what he had done wrong, as if labelling the problem would make a solution easier to find. He started with: _I got drunk and slept with a guy._ To this, he posed the solution: _I don't have to tell anyone_. However, from there it only got harder.

Problem: _I got drunk and slept with _Koizumi. Solution: _Only Koizumi needs to know and he was drunk too._

Unfortunately, this led to;

Problem: _By the time we slept together, I wasn't all that drunk_. Solution: _..._ In place of an answer, further problems presented themselves in series that crushed Kyon under their weight. They escalated in frenzy until they crystallised into:

Problem: _I got drunk, broke up Koizumi's stable relationship, drank more, forgot to leave, got _sober,_ slept with Koizumi – a guy, my friend – said lots of stupid things, fell asleep, woke up and ran off without saying anything and..._

Well, and felt _awful_. Had he turned into the cliché user type of guy? Had Koizumi been on the rebound and more drunk than he looked? And more importantly, what the hell was Kyon meant to _do_ about it? Where was the solution? Ignoring it entirely was out of the question; Kyon's mind would snap under the stress within a week.

By midday, he was at his wit's end and seeing as Koizumi hadn't make the first move – even hungover, Kyon couldn't picture the esper sleeping in till the afternoon – Kyon didn't feel the urge to do so either. He went through his phonebook idly in search of help, ruling people out as he went.

Taniguchi or Kunikida? No, they would only understand if he told them bluntly and there was no way in hell he was going to do that. He'd never live it down.

Nagato? No, even if it proved useful he just couldn't bear the idea of hearing the situation enunciated in that no-nonsense way of hers.

Haruhi? No. Just no. Things were screwed up enough as it was. Reality didn't need twisting any further.

Asahina? Although his chivalrous side instantly refused, it made sense. Asahina would listen, not press for details and maybe even help. He could probably get away with being vague or employing the 'I have this friend' routine too.

Already planning a cover story, Kyon had dialled her number, feeling a pre-emptive wave of calm wash over him. He could always rely on Asahina to make things okay.

Which was when the bomb had exploded.

_Koizumi-kun told me you would be calling._

"He did what?" Kyon almost yelped, once he'd gripped the phone again. "Why? When?"

Asahina gave a musical little laugh. "This morning. He just called me to tell me to expect a call from you. He sounded worried. Are you okay, Kyon-kun?"

Trying not to panic while his mind took up a frantic chant of '_'_, Kyon floundered for a reply.

"Ah, I guess so. Well, no. I ah, no, not really. Um."

"I'm free in half an hour between classes," she said, her usually timid nature being replaced by determination. Kyon had noticed that all girls seemed to do this in times of emotional crisis in friends and he was grateful, if a little freaked out. "Do you want to meet up and talk?"

"If you're not too busy..."

"Of course not! You're my friends, this is important."

"Ah, thanks."

They arranged to meet at a cafe only ten minutes away from Kyon's dorm at one and he hung up. In the silence, his heart beat an improvised accompaniment to the chanting in his head which had swelled in volume to the proportions of a chamber choir.

_Sheknowseverything_.

Hoping against hope that this wasn't the case, Kyon threw himself into a hot shower. No matter what the situation, Asahina deserved effort.

-x-

He arrived at the cafe ten minutes early and began to construct the worst possible situation, having nothing else to occupy his mind. By the time Asahina actually arrived, he had decided that the whole mess was some intricate plot of Haruhi's to promote the SOS Brigade or something equally stupid. By believing this, he could conveniently ignore the way Koizumi had been smiling softly in his sleep and rule out how natural it had felt to call the esper 'Itsuki' on the grounds of cunning manipulation.

Asahina sat in the chair across from him, frilled edges of her pretty summer dress poking out between the metal bars of the white filigree chairs. She graced Kyon with a dazzling smile and gave a little wave.

"Good afternoon, Kyon-kun."

"It's afternoon already?" He glanced at his watch. Although he had known the time, it didn't feel like three hours since he had left Koizumi.

"Of course," Asahina laughed and a little of Kyon's latent anger melted away. "Now, how can I help you, Kyon-kun? Is there something you want to talk about?"

So innocent. So uncomplicated. So kind. And Kyon was terrified. Preparing his cover story which used a lot of words like 'pity' and 'friendship' and which sounded false even inside of his head, Kyon decided to play it safe for now.

"What exactly did Koizumi tell you?" he asked with forced nonchalance. Asahina's large eyes widened in surprise.

"Nothing! Not really. He just said you were probably going to be looking for advice. He said I was allowed to tell you whatever you wanted to know."

Through the now desperate chanting in his mind, Kyon felt a spark of doubt. What did she mean 'allowed'? And what could she possibly tell him that he didn't already know? He turned his eyes away from Asahina to gaze blankly at the mountains that peeked out from behind the buildings in the distance. The sunlight was bright enough to hurt his eyes.

"Kyon-kun?"

He dragged his gaze back to Asahina. Her expression was one of compassionate, simple worry, not unlike that of a puppy who senses its owner is suffering. Kyon cleared his throat.

"Yes?"

"Is this hard for you to talk about?"

Another comet of doubt streaked across his mind. If she knew, wouldn't that be obvious?

"I guess..."

"I suppose it's different for you because you're a boy, but I understand."

For a horrible moment, Kyon imagined Koizumi as some sort of predator, working his way through the Brigade, but this passed in the face of Asahina's loveliness. His expression must have showed his confusion as the girl gave him an encouraging smile.

"How about I explain first?"

Kyon nodded in mute horror. Part of him didn't want to know what it was she was talking about. It was with a smile and a slight blush that she made him feel like an idiot.

"When we were at school, I had to come back in one evening because I'd left some notes in my locker. I walked in on Koizumi-kun and his boyfriend. We were both really embarrassed but it all worked out okay. He asked me not to tell anyone because he was worried, I think. I thought someone else would find out sooner or later. Is that how you found out Koizumi liked guys, Kyon? Did you walk in on something?"

Kyon could do nothing but watch her with wide eyes. She had no idea what had happened, meaning that Koizumi had called her up but not told her. The esper was almost infuriatingly smart when it came to other people's emotions and so Kyon figured it would be best if he didn't say anything either.

That didn't mean he couldn't indirectly ask advice, though. Perhaps she could tell him things that would help him understand Koizumi more.

"Yeah," he said at length. "When I was walking home from the party. I bumped into him and...Akira, I think his name was."

Asahina nodded. "Yes, that'd be him. I was so happy that things were working out for them but Koizumi-kun said it was over... He always ends up on his own."

"Why?" Kyon asked before he could stop himself.

"They always say..." Asahina trailed off, a light pink blush rising in her cheeks. Her large eyes fixed on his. "I know he said it was okay but that's something he should tell you," she said, giving him a very strange look. It looked an awful lot like pity. Suddenly, she asked, "Kyon-kun? Are you angry at Koizumi-kun for being the way he is?"

Kyon instantly shook his head. It was the truth, after all. He had just been shocked and embarrassed before. As far as he was concerned, it took all sorts.

"So, you've known for a long time then?" he asked and Asahina's mood brightened. She began to chatter away at him, apparently happy to have someone to tell at last.

She had kept an eye on Koizumi for years, it turned out, making him call her every week and tell her if he was seeing anyone. From what Kyon could work out, she had helped him through a difficult time at first and given him pep-talks when needed, seeing – or hearing as the case was – a side of the esper he preferred not to show. She had worked silently and selflessly, which Kyon should have known to expect from her. She told Kyon how happy she had been to hear about Akira as Koizumi had been talking about him from the start of the academic year.

"Koizumi-kun really likes Akira-san," she said sadly, compassion touching to see. "He said it was the most promising start he'd had. I'm sad they broke up. I would have liked to meet him some day."

Kyon felt something twisting in his chest. It was _his_ fault they had broken up, after all. But there was something else too. Something a lot like jealousy. Perhaps he was just annoyed that Koizumi was so close to Asahina and yet obviously didn't appreciate her. That was it. It had to be.

"Did you do anything to upset Koizumi-kun?" Asahina asked him. "He sounded really down on the phone. It's probably because of Akira-san but..."

He knew she had to ask but Kyon turned away from her. He was unable to meet her eyes as he remembered the warmth of Koizumi's skin next to his as they fell asleep. He hadn't felt that, well that _wanted_ in a long time. And he had walked away without a word.

"I... I might have given him the impression that I thought he was, well... easy," he said in a bitter voice. Asahina's reaction was enough to make him glad he hadn't told her the full truth. She would have thought he was a monster. Maybe he was.

"No, no, not at all!" she said, shaking her head vehemently. "Koizumi-kun might have dated a lot of people but he's always serious about them."

Kyon nodded sadly. Despite the smiles, it wasn't hard to believe that Koizumi took everything seriously.

"I don't think that's it, though," Asahina continued."Since it's you. But maybe you should apologise anyway."

"How?" Kyon asked, forgetting for a moment that she was assuming he'd just said something tactless.

"Just go and say sorry!"Asahaina said, smiling. "Boys always make things so complicated! Would you visit him? I'm worried about him but there's only so much I can do. Tonight maybe?"

The idea knotted Kyon's stomach with anxiety and he sought a way out. He'd never be able to let Asahina down if he promised.

"Isn't the Brigade meeting tonight?" he tried.

"I'll tell Suzumiya-san that Koizumi-kun is helping you with your studies or something. She and Nagato-san can come to mine. She'll believe that, won't she?"

"Too easily," Kyon admitted. It looked like there was no way out. Being friends with a jewel like Asahina could sometimes seem like a curse.

"So you'll go see him for me? You promise?"

"Yeah," he conceded. "I promise."

"Thank you!" Asahina's smile was almost worth the dread settling in the pit of his stomach. She glanced down at her watch and gasped. "I have to go, Kyon-kun. I have a class."

She climbed to her feet and Kyon grudgingly followed suit, letting her come around the table to hug him briefly as was her custom of late.

"Let me know how it went tomorrow, okay?" she said, stepping away. "I'm sure everything will be back to normal by the morning."

Kyon very much doubted that but smiled anyway. Suddenly, a thought struck him. What with Haruhi's stunning track record, Koizumi's secret dalliances and his own modest history...

"You're good with this relationship-stuff, Asahina-san," he said with a grin. "Is there anyone you like at the moment, then?"

Her cheeks flushed red and her hands fluttered to her cheeks.

"That's, that's classified information!" she squeaked. It was a nice try, but Kyon could tell it wasn't involuntary. He smiled, only feeling vaguely guilty about teasing her.

"Just let them know that if they upset you, they'll have all of us to answer to," he said, feeling a rush of warmth towards the girl for her willingness to help. "And Nagato can pull some nasty punches."

Asahina laughed and turned to leave, making sure to wave before she was out of sight. She really did suit summer clothes, Kyon reflected, watching her hair blow in a gentle breeze. He watched until she was gone. For the first time, he felt guilty about doing so.

_He's always serious_.

He remembered the brush of Koizumi's lips against his skin as he'd called the esper beautiful. Now, standing in the sunlight and surrounded by other people it was easy to think of that moment as something embarrassing, something spur of the moment and throwaway. But Kyon knew that he had meant it, as hard as it was to admit to himself. And Koizumi was _always serious_.

Shit.

He turned away and began walking back to his room, wondering when Koizumi would finish classes. Kyon wasn't really sure what he'd done wrong or how he was going to apologise but he needed to see the esper if things were going to start making sense. He felt it right to his core.

-x-

By five o'clock, Kyon had managed to burn two packs of instant noodles. Although his horoscope said that his unlucky say was two weeks earlier – he'd checked – he was sure this day was cursed. He settled for a sandwich and threw himself onto his narrow bed. His cell phone lay on his pillow and he stared at it, the object close enough to be slightly blurry. His sandwich lay on the table, untouched.

When would it be so late that he could no longer pretend Koizumi was in class as an excuse not to call? He doubted Koizumi had even been to class that day; sure, he could hold his alcohol but still...

What was the worst that could happen, anyway? As soon as Kyon thought this, an array of horrifying situations presented themselves. Any way it went, he'd end up feeling embarrassed, guilty, angry or confused. After realising that he already felt all of the above and thus had nothing to lose, he grabbed the phone with a defeated sigh.

Which rang. And rang.

He waited until he heard the click of an answerphone and was too busy thinking to hang up before the computerised woman asked for his message.

_Beep._

"Oh. Uh. Hi, Koizumi. It's me..." He blinked. "I uh..."

For a moment, he imagined apologising for the whole sorry mess to the answerphone woman. It would be so easy. It would be so _cowardly_. He swallowed and closed his eyes, hoping he was really doing the right thing by avoiding the easy option.

"Just give me a call,okay? It doesn't matter when."

Once he had hung up, Kyon had a terrible mental image: Koizumi, sitting by his phone, seeing the caller ID and deciding not to answer. What if he had been listening? Would he be angry that Kyon hadn't said anything about what had happened?

Kyon rolled over onto his stomach, eyes still shut. He felt... he really didn't know. Objectively, he felt guilty, embarrassed and a little annoyed. Yet whenever he allowed himself to remember the night before he felt a wave of confusion that settled in the pit of his stomach an awful lot like dread. Whatever he thought now, there was no escaping the fact that what had happened had been mutual. He hadn't needed persuading at all and had fallen asleep content, warm, listening to the gentle breathing of someone he cared about. For all his bluster and cynicism, Kyon cared for Koizumi as much as he cared for the girls.

That's what friendship was, right? Yes, the perpetual plastic grin and the almost aggressive philosophy pissed him off but it wasn't a big deal. No matter how often he spouted crap about a hidden personality, Koizumi was a good guy.

And he had looked good under the streetlights in the alley and better in the weak light of dawn.

And he was _always serious_.

Kyon's eyes slammedopen and he stared at the ceiling until his alarm went off at a quarter to six, letting him know that the others were meant to be arriving. He switched it off and noticed the sandwich lying forgotten on the side. After a moment, he turned away. Suddenly, he wasn't so hungry.

-x-

The phone vibrating in the pocket of his jeans jolted Kyon from a doze. Ignoring the amused glances of his classmates, Kyon slipped the phone out and flipped it open under the cover of the desk before him. The lecturer continued babbling away. Even if the whole room had been sleeping, Kyon had the feeling that the old man would have continued.

Forcing his eyes to focus, he found he had a text from Asahina.

_Good morning! Did you speak to Koizumi-kun yesterday? He won't answer his phone..._

With a frown, Kyon replied with one hand while turning his eyes towards the front so as not to draw attention to himself.

_He didn't answer yesterday, either._ A pause. _Sorry_.

While waiting for a reply, Kyon silently fumed. He had waited up until three in the morning for a call back, at which point lack of sleep caught up with him and he'd crashed. This morning, he'd decided that the esper was angry and ignoring the call out of spite. But he hadn't answered Asahina, his confidante, either...

Kyon's gut twisted with worry. Although he didn't look like the impulsive type, what if Koizumi had done something stupid?

Kyon jumped as his phone buzzed again and expecting nothing but a 'it's not your fault' from Asahina, he let it buzz three times before glancing down. As the phone buzzed again, his eyes widened. The name on the screen read Koizumi and another buzz made him realise it was a call, not a text.

It felt like a bomb had exploded in his chest. Through the rush of confusing and conflicting emotions, Kyon managed to leap to his feet and stumble out of the lecture hall. While the other students shared confused glances, the lecturer rumbled on.

A short sprint took Kyon outside and he flipped the phone open.

"Hello?" he gasped, willing his breath back to normal. "Koizumi?"

"Good morning, Kyon-kun," came the smooth reply, the '-kun' oddly painful to hear. "I thought you were never going to pick up."

"I was in a lecture," Kyon explained. "I had to get outside."

"Ah." Kyon recognised the silken tone the esper usually reserved for their talks in the black cab. It was impossible to gauge his mood. "I see. You left me a message?"

"Yeah... Where the hell where you yesterday?" he asked, relief and anxiety finding a release in anger.

"Where you left me, Kyon-kun. You should really be more attentive."

Kyon winced. Perhaps he had asked for that but it still hurt. Suddenly, it felt wrong to be hearing such things through a speaker. If he could see Koizumi, maybe he'd be able to handle things better.

"Where are you now?"

"My room." A pause and a sharply indrawn breath. "I'm sadly unable to attend classes today. Why?"

"I'm coming to see you."

"Without asking my permission?"

"Koizumi, I don't want to do this over the phone..."

"And what if I don't want you to come and see me?"

Kyon paused a moment to think. Shit. He'd never hard Koizumi speak like that before. The chances of brushing it all under the rug were fading rapidly. It would be easy to respond with anger. Too easy. He took a deep breath and tried to calm down.

"I promised Asahina-san I'd come to see you."

There was a long silence. Encouraged, Kyon pushed onwards.

"She's worried about you."

"Then why doesn't she come to check up on me herself?"

Kyon was ready for this one, although he still found it hard to say.

"Because I'm the one you're angry at. I can't expect her to make amends for me."

Koizumi gave a bitter laugh that sounded all wrong. "Make amends? Really, I'd never have thought you could be so cold."

Kyon ignored the remark; despite the words, the pitch-perfect professionalism of Koizumi's voice had thawed a little.

"So can I come?"

Another pause followed by a small sigh.

"Suit yourself."

The line went dead.

-x-

Kyon found his way back to Koizumi's dorms without too much difficulty. As he walked, he tried not to meet anyone's eyes out of the irrational fear that someone, somewhere would know what he had done. He kept his eyes trained on the concrete until he was in the doorway.

"Tch."

Kyon wasn't surprised to find that Koizumi's building was nicer and probably more expensive than his own. Where he had to climb down two flights of stairs to open the door when he heard a knocking, here he found a shiny intercom system. After a moment sifting through his memories, he was sure he could remember Koizumi's room number and pressed the corresponding button. He didn't have to wait long.

"Yes?"

"Koizumi, it's me."

"I had rather been expecting that was the case. It took you a long time to walk from class, didn't it?"

Kyon bristled, knowing he had been consciously dawdling while trying to formulate a battle plan. All he had done was work himself up to something nearing panic. He swallowed past it and waited. After a few moments, he heard Koizumi sigh through the tinny speaker.

"I can buzz you in. Do you remember the way to my room?"

"I guess."

"Good, because I can't come down to get you."

As the door whirred and unlocked, Kyon half-registered the use of the word 'can't' rather than 'won't'. As the intercom abruptly turned off, he forgot this and pushed the door open. Wandering through the dreary corridors, Kyon realised he still had no idea what to say. Asahina had told him to just apologise but how was he meant to do that? And apologise for what part exactly? _I'm sorry I slept with you_ was more likely to make Koizumi more angry than anything else. Before his thoughts had managed to arrange themselves, he was outside Koizumi's room.

He wasn't ready to see the esper. Not really. He felt the same as he had the day after the first time he had slept with a girl, the strange prickly feeling that boiled down to _I know what you look and feel like under your clothes_. Immature, certainly, but it still weighed on him like forbidden knowledge. After taking a deep breath and trying to convince himself that nothing had changed, he raised a hand and knocked on the door.

There was the slightest moment of hesitation before Koizumi spoke.

"It's open."

For a moment, Kyon didn't think he'd be able to open the door but then his hand was moving by itself and he was inside the room. Before looking up, he shut the door with a firm click behind him. He stood awkwardly in the doorway, eyes trained on the thin carpet. He could hear Koizumi breathing, the noise being louder than usual or his senses just sharper. Kyon waited, knowing it should be his turn to make a move.

"I miss them," Koizumi said suddenly, voice soft. "The days when the only thing I had to think about other than keeping Suzumiya-san happy was trying to beat you at board games and passing tests. Things were so much simpler."

Kyon raised his eyes to see Koizumi perched on his windowsill, his right leg stretching down to support his weight on the spin chair. The esper flicked the cigarette butt he had been holding out of the open window and blew smoke carefully after it, away from the smoke alarm. Only then did he turn his head away from the world outside and look at Kyon who stoically kept his eyes trained on Koizumi's face.

The esper looked tired more than anything but there was something strained in his expression. His eyes seemed to brighten upon seeing Kyon, although Kyon himself couldn't fathom why. He was sure he looked as tired as Koizumi did.

"Why did you come here, Kyon-kun?" Koizumi asked, voice still soft.

Here it was. The moment he would either make or break whatever it was between them. At least, that's what Kyon told himself, hoping that pressure would make him think more clearly. He stopped looking at Koizumi's face and actually met his eyes. In an instant, all the things he had been telling himself since the morning before seemed pointless. None of that was real. Not like the tornado he could see building in Koizumi's eyes.

"To apologise," he said at length. His throat felt dry. "For being a total asshole."

"Oh?" Koizumi tilted his head slightly to one side. "Yes?"

Kyon bit his lip briefly, hoping he was making the right choice in words. "I'm sorry for running out on you," he said, voice a lot louder than he had intended. It wasn't the only thing he wanted to apologise for, but it was a start.

Koizumi blinked slowly before one corner of his lips twitched up into a small smile. He swung himself away from the window and slid to the floor, movements strangely awkward in comparison to his usual grace.

"Thank you," the esper said. Hanging on to the reply, Kyon failed to notice the flicker of pain across Koizumi's face. "I don't think I need to ask why you left when you did."

Kyon dropped his gaze, feeling heat rising in his cheeks. Neither of them had said it yet, had explicitly acknowledged what had happened. The suspense was killing him. Koizumi took a step forward, bringing his feet into Kyon's sight. As if drawn by a magnet, Kyon's gaze swept over the bare feet and then up the legs, now clad in nothing smarter than a pair of vaguely tight jeans. As his gaze continued, Kyon realised that Koizumi was wearing a white cotton shirt that hung loosely from his shoulders, the buttons being completely undone. As the esper took another step forward, Kyon watched, fixated, as Koizumi's hipbone slid against the waistband of his jeans.

"Hey, Koizumi," he said before he could stop himself. "Why did we-"

He stopped talking suddenly, eyes wide. After a moment, Koizumi followed Kyon's gaze to his own chest and sighed. The right side of his chest was dark with angry bruises. Kyon now understood why Koizumi hadn't been in class and hadn't answered the door. It would be hard to move with such an injury. He curled his fingers into fists to repress the urge to reach out and touch the wound, to check if it was real.

"What the hell did you do?" Kyon asked, taking a step forward himself. They stood in the centre of the room, Kyon unable to tear his eyes away from the wound and Koizumi studying Kyon's face intently.

"Don't sound so upset," the esper said at length. "Whatever dramatic scenario you are imagining didn't happen. I was just doing my job. I was called out yesterday afternoon and only returned this morning. That's why I was unable to answer your call."

"The Celestials?" Kyon asked, unmoving. "But you've never been injured before."

"Not that I've let you see," Koizumi answered with a smile. "Although it is true I'm not usually in this bad a shape. I had uh...how should I put this? I was less than focussed on the task at hand, as it were. There were other things I had to think about."

"So this is my fault, too?" Kyon's voice was hollow. Koizumi waved this idea away with one hand but Kyon wasn't comforted. "Why were they there, anyway? What the hell does Haruhi have to worry about?"

Koizumi shrugged, wincing as it tugged at his muscles. "The closed space opened towards the end of yesterday afternoon. I was hoping you'd know the cause. Wasn't there meant to be a Brigade meeting at your dorm?"

Kyon closed his eyes for a moment. Jesus. So _this_ was his fault as well? "Asahina moved it to her place," he said blankly. "So that I could come and talk to you."

"I see," Koizumi said, the strange half-smile edging its way back onto his face. "Since we only meet weekly, it's much more important to her that we're all there. Ironic, I suppose. Forget about it, it'll heal."

The smile faded entirely from Koizumi's countenance to be replaced by something Kyon couldn't quite place. The esper took a step forward, forcing Kyon backwards towards the door. As he walked forwards, Koizumi spoke in a calculating tone.

"But anyway, you were asking me something weren't you? What was it, please?"

"I was asking why..." Kyon faltered, cheeks burning. He took another step back and collided with the door. Koizumi stood close in front of him, effectively keeping him in place without having to touch him. Kyon could place the esper's expression now. It wasn't anger or hurt. It was a strange sort of desperation. The emotion in his amber eyes wavered between hope and defeat.

"Why what?" Koizumi whispered, raising one hand to press it flat against the door next to Kyon's head. "Why we slept together? Is that what you'd like to ask me, Kyon?"

Hearing it aloud wasn't as bad as Kyon had thought although it still felt strange. Koizumi's voice sounded as intimate as his words. He could do nothing but nod, forcing himself to hold Koizumi's gaze.

"Perhaps you should be asking yourself that, Kyon. Why is it that you didn't reject my advances? You had plenty of time to back away. And don't try and tell me that you were drunk because we both know that had nothing to do with it by then."

Koizumi leant forwards until his face was inches away from Kyon's and his body close enough to radiate heat without ever touching. Kyon was trapped. He knew he should be feeling frightened or angry. Instead, his pounding heart was drumming to a different beat. Sensing this, Koizumi smiled. A small smile but one that was sincere.

"You still have time to back away. I promise to accept whatever you tell me as the truth," he said quietly. "Please just give me a reason."

This was the moment where Kyon could spin his tale about 'pity' and 'friendship', the one that made him sound stupid but in control, naive but not utterly confused. He could lie, Koizumi would back down and he'd be free to leave. Things would go back to normal and he could get on with worrying about tests, girls, Haruhi and beating Koizumi at Othello. Except, they wouldn't. He knew that. And he also knew that no matter how good Koizumi was at acting, he wanted and deserved the truth. It was a shame that the truth didn't help matters at all. He parted his lips to speak but faltered.

"Why did you pretend that you wanted me?" Koizumi asked in a whisper, almost as though he had forgotten he was speaking.

"I wasn't pretending," Kyon said at last, lowering his eyes. "I didn't reject you because I couldn't find a reason to."

Koizumi's expression softened and he seemed to lose strength, supporting himself using the hand on the door.

"But in the morning all the reasons why you should have left were easy to see, yes?" he asked. "You couldn't find a reason to stay."

Kyon wanted to deny it. He wanted to tell Koizumi that he had just been scared and confused. The truth was that he was still scared and confused and he couldn't think of any reason why he should have stayed that he could put into words. Instead, he raised defiant eyes to Koizumi's.

"Why did you...why did you do it?" Kyon asked. "Is it because of Akira-san? He was meant to be spending the night with you but you ended up with me instead."

He was being too harsh and knew it. Koizumi however appeared not to notice. He shook his head with a tender smile and raised his free hand to Kyon's cheek. His fingers felt cool against the blush.

"You should have a higher opinion of yourself," he murmured. "It was because it _was_ you, Kyon. If anyone else had found Akira and me, it would never have ended the same way."

Before Kyon could fully process this comment, Koizumi had leant forward and pressed his lips to Kyon's cheek, as close to his lips as possible without touching them. Kyon froze, every nerve in his body feeling simultaneously numb and on fire. Before, Koizumi's kisses had been tender and honest. This was something else. Calculated to have an effect but still almost painfully affectionate. The hand on his cheek slid around to tangle in his hair as Koizumi moved to press another kiss against the other side of Kyon's lips. It was a gentle touch with all the force of a lightning bolt.

"Does it make you uncomfortable?" Koizumi whispered against Kyon's skin. "Just say the word, Kyon. Find a reason to say no to me and I'll stop."

Kyon had no idea what the word was and even if he'd known, he would have been unable to say it. Everything he had been telling himself no longer made sense. Daylight was streaming through the windows, music from another room was pumping through the walls and he had arrived sober and aware, if not exactly level-headed. Despite all this, it felt good. Better than it should have. Better than he wanted it to.

"No?" Koizumi murmured after a long moment. "Then how about this?"

Relaxing the tension in his arm, Koizumi leant forwards until he was pressed flush against Kyon, pushing him back against the door. The hand in Kyon's hair tightened as Koizumi twisted his neck further around to bring his lips close to Kyon's ear. For a moment, Kyon realised that such a position would be terribly uncomfortable with those bruises but then Koizumi pressed his lips to the sensitive skin just below Kyon's ear, at the curve of his neck and all thoughts were obliterated. The lips trailed lower over his skin for a moment before Koizumi sunk his teeth into Kyon's neck, gently at first but with increasing pressure. Kyon heard himself gasp as though he was standing on the other side of the door.

_Damn it_. This wasn't supposed to happen. He was supposed to clear things up and set them right. He had been preparing himself for anger and upset and had thought that this was what Koizumi had been repressing. The electric emotion that the esper had apparently let run free left Kyon feeling more confused than before and utterly incapable of coherent thought. It was desire, pure and simple.

As Koizumi straightened up and let his forehead rest against Kyon's, eyes bright, he was forced to reconsider. The hand that had been on the door dropped to curl gently around Kyon's arm.

Maybe it wasn't so simple after all.

"Uncomfortable yet?" Koizumi asked. His tone was now verging on aggressive and his voice a little breathless. It was as though he wanted Kyon to push him away.

"Yes," Kyon murmured, finding it hard to catch his breath.

Koizumi's eyes widened. "Then why haven't you told me to back off?"

"I don't know."

Before he realised what was happening, Koizumi had pulled him away from the door and yanked his arm down towards the floor. He landed face down and managed to roll over before Koizumi pinned him to the floor, one knee each side of Kyon's legs and hands spread either side of his head.

"What are you-"

Kyon's question was abruptly cut short as Koizumi's lips collided with his own. The kiss was anxious, needy. For a moment, it felt right, like it was the only thing in the world that was meant to be happening. A rush of warmth swept through Kyon, one totally different to the heat racing through his body but of equal strength. He hadn't realised his eyes had been shut but now they slammed open.

Koizumi was always serious. The truth started to dawn in Kyon's distracted mind and he pushed at Koizumi's shoulders at last.

"Stop," he gasped, watching as the esper forlornly opened his eyes. "Stop it, Koizumi. What is this about?"

"What do you mean?"

"You should be beating me up for the way I treated you. Why are you still doing this?"

"I want you."

As soon as the words left Koizumi's lips, lacking his usual eloquence but making up for that with raw honesty, the esper closed his eyes and lowered his head until it was resting on Kyon's chest.

"And I don't know whether you want me," Koizumi continued.

Ignoring this, Kyon laid perfectly still, arms by his sides.

"We shouldn't be doing this, Koizumi."

"Why?"

"Because we're friends."

"That's not a valid reason," Koizumi murmured. Kyon had no idea what expression he was wearing. "There is such a thing as friends with benefits. That's all it has to be."

"No." The strength in his own voice surprised Kyon but he ploughed onwards. "No. I don't want that and neither do you. This is about more than sex, isn't it?"

Koizumi remained silent. The room was filled with the thumping music from below and the rumble of cars outside. Above the noise, their ragged breathing seemed obscenely loud. In that silent moment, the truth crystallized in Kyon's mind. He remembered the way Asahina had looked at him the day before and felt a rush of shame. He was such an idiot.

"What do they say when they break up with you?" he asked, not caring how harsh it sounded. He needed to hear the truth. "Asahina said it's always the same thing. What is it?"

Koizumi made a small noise somewhere between a laugh and a sigh.

"They all say I'm thinking of someone else," he murmured.

Ignoring the way his heart felt as though it was about to leap out of his chest, Kyon forced his voice to remain calm.

"Are you?"

Koizumi raised his head slowly as though the weight of the world was resting on his shoulders. When speaking of the end of the actual world, of higher powers and destruction, the esper was always calm and controlled. He seemed able to deal with those problems in a way that fitted the persona he tried to live up to, that of a warrior for justice or something equally overdramatic. Now, for the first time, he appeared to be at a loss.

Using his hands as leverage, he raised himself enough so that he could look Kyon directly in the eye. Koizumi could tell that Kyon knew, that was clear enough, but they both realised that it had to be said in some way. If not, they'd lay here forever.

It was Koizumi's move and he was never on the winning side.

Koizumi licked his lips and blinked slowly before giving a small, self-deprecating smile.

"Always," he whispered.

-x-

**A/N **_I actually had about another 1000 words to put here but since this is so long and that makes for a nice little cliffie, I'll squish them into the third chapter. Which will not take another three months, I swear. Most of the reviews for chapter one flattered my by saying it was well written; I hope this didn't disappoint._

_Oh and that green button I mentioned is no longer green it seems. XD So please if you're reading this, click that _blue hyperlink_ and let me know what you thought. Anonymous reviews more than welcome._

_Oh and good gods; this has become my longest chapter of anything, ever. It beat the epic one in Sacrificial Lamb. I doubt anyone reading this has read that but...that's a big thing XD_


	3. If you don't, don't

**A/N **_Please ignore anything I ever say in a note regarding updates, number of chapters etc etc. Things always run away from me. It hasn't been three months, but it has been one so I am sorry for that. However, luckily – or unluckily, you decide – it seems I had enough material to fill another 5000 words easily. Therefore, there will be a __fourth__ chapter. But that will be it. Damnit. Curse you, brain._

_I am astounded at how many hits this gets. Seriously. I love you all. Special love to everyone who reviewed, particularly __Clolot __for making me smile and __Silencian__ for the amusing conversation._

_Also, huge love to the itsukyon comm. On LJ for nommy doujinshi and scans. Everyone go check it out._

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* * *

_

Kyon could feel the music thumping through the floors, the muted pulse of the bass jolting his whole body with every beat. One of the floorboards was uneven and was digging into his back through the soft cotton shirt he had thrown on that morning. Outside, a car alarm had started sounding, rising above the steady rumble of traffic. Small, insignificant details. Background noise that he wouldn't usually have noticed. They hit him with sudden clarity now to fill the blankness in his brain.

He had been expecting it, if only for a minute or so. The fact that he was lying on the floor and held there by Koizumi's weight meant that he should have been expecting it long before he did. But he didn't have an answer. Hell, he didn't even have a question to ask that could help him find an answer. The warm eyes locked on his own seemed dulled with defeat already. He hated that, more than anything else. But how was he meant to make things better? Where was he meant to go from here?

Koizumi shifted in the silence, putting more weight onto his knees so that he was no longer resting on Kyon. This meant that if he wanted to, Kyon could slide out from under the esper and make his escape. _Just like last time_. Resolutely, Kyon remained motionless. It was harder to do than it should have been; he had the uncomfortable urge to just reach up and kiss Koizumi to get rid of the hopeless expression. But that wouldn't help. Not now.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he breathed. A smile flitted across Koizumi's lips, an attempt to rebuild the facade.

"Arrogance doesn't suit you," he said, voice far too soft for his words. "I never said it was anything to do with you."

"But it is, isn't it?"

The short-lived smile faded entirely and Koizumi pushed himself away from Kyon. He fell back to sit on the edge of the bed, leaning forward over his knees. The room began to feel much colder. Kyon slowly sat up, unable to tear his eyes away from the esper. It was far too late for any of the excuses, stories and phrases he had considered using before. He couldn't laugh something like this off.

"Koizumi..."

"What? Do you need to hear me say it, is that it, Kyon?" The words were angry but his voice was sad. A quiet sort of sorrow that touched Kyon far more than tears would ever have been able to.

"That's not what I-"

"I care about you. As more than a friend. More than I should do. It started as soon as we met and I never managed to outgrow it."

Kyon let him talk although he felt like he was intruding. He had the feeling that Koizumi had been unable to say it for a long time and if he could help at least a little by listening then he'd do it, as uncomfortable as it made him feel.

"I had wanted my time at North High to be purely professional but before I knew it I had a group of friends I cared about. That should have been enough. Then I managed to make things too complicate by falling for you. I can't hold on to relationships because no one seems good enough although I've never had anything to compare them to. I couldn't tell Asahina-san because she doesn't deserve being put into such an awkward position but I could never stop from trying to push you, even a little bit. I...I was trying to move on," he said in a voice barely above a whisper. "I was trying to accept that it was hopeless and unfair to hold on to a higher agenda like that."

Kyon could see what was coming next. As Koizumi spoke, he raised a hand to his head and pulled at his hair distractedly. In his mind, he could see every time Koizumi had allowed himself to get closer, could hear each sharp reprimand and insult that he had responded with. It had always been a mild annoyance before. Now he felt like a criminal.

"But then you found out about Akira," the esper continued. "You knew half of the secret. It didn't seem so hard to try and show you the rest of it, after that. I should have thought it through more because all I did was scare you."

"_You_ didn't scare me," Kyon interjected. "I scared myself. Koizumi, I...I'm sorry I didn't realise. I wasn't thinking straight."

Koizumi shrugged as if to say that he too had not been entirely in control of himself in an effort to relieve some of Kyon's guilt. It didn't work. He hadn't realised the intentions but the emotions he had felt had been real, if unexplained. Koizumi had been beautiful. _They_ had been beautiful.

"Were you ever going to tell me?" Kyon asked, cutting off his own thoughts. "If I hadn't come back here?"

He managed to look up at the esper again and was relieved to see the raw emotion in Koizumi's countenance had softened a little. It was as though with each word spoken aloud they were clearing the heavy mist of unspoken questions and confessions.

"I wasn't planning on it," Koizumi answered after a pause.

"Why?"

"If Suzumiya-san found-"

"Huh?" Kyon blinked stupidly, shifting mental gear. For a while there, it had felt as though the world revolved around he and Koizumi and the complicated, confusing _thing_ that was going on inside his head. Instead, it was about Haruhi. Always. Anger shot through him, a seemingly safe outlet for the storm in his mind. "What the hell has Haruhi got to do with this? She wouldn't care who you were interested in, I mean she-"

"Unless it was _you_," Koizumi cut in with a small smile. He was sitting straighter now, fingers steepled together in front of him. "Are you really still blind about her feelings? She's a lot less subtle than I am."

"That was just a schoolgirl crush," Kyon protested. He wouldn't blush; he couldn't, not here. Not while Koizumi was sitting there with a smile as if it was any other day and any other conversation. "It meant nothing and she got over it years ago."

"If you say so," Koizumi said too easily, clearly having his own ideas. "My point was that telling you could have jeopardised everything and completely undermined my purpose with you all."

"Stop it."

The anger was hard to shake off. With each carefully selected word of Koizumi's, Kyon felt his temperature rise. What had happened to the passion of minutes before? _That_ was Itsuki Koizumi, not this eloquent, patient and objective stranger. The secret was out. Now it was, Kyon couldn't stand listening to the lie. He pulled himself up off of the floor at last and sat on the bed next to Koizumi, anger erasing any traces of hesitation. He reached out and grabbed one of the esper's wrists, pulling apart his laced hands and holding it suspended in the air between them.

"Stop acting as if you don't care," he said, eyes burning. "I'm not going to forget anything you just said so don't try and make this about Haruhi or about the Agency or about _anything_ other than you and me!" Kyon's cheeks flushed as he ploughed onwards, part of him satisfied to see Koizumi's expression change into one of honest surprise and confusion. "You were kissing me a minute ago. You were suggesting we slept together as if it was nothing and I know you would never say that if you were thinking properly. So stop treating this as another puzzle to solve and _feel_, will you?"

There was a long moment of silence. In the back of his mind, Kyon registered that the music had stopped playing in the other room. He wondered if the other students could hear him shouting. He wondered if he cared.

"I'm sorry."

Kyon hadn't really been expecting an apology but it was better than nothing. Koizumi was smiling at him in a way he didn't understand, the same sort of smile he had been wearing at the end of _that_ summer when Kyon had worked out how to stop Haruhi from screwing with all of them again. A warm, proud, affectionate smile.

"I'm sorry for everything," Koizumi said, smile fading a little. He slipped his wrist through Kyon's now weak grasp until his hand was in its place. Kyon watched, chest feeling tight, as Koizumi laced their fingers together. The esper's hands were warm. Kyon didn't move, his fingers still facing upwards like high-rise buildings breaking a perfect horizon.

"Kyon," Koizumi started, forcing Kyon to meet his eyes again. "Could you picture us together? Not physically but...together." He sighed softly, strands of hair falling across his face. "I was lying before. I wouldn't be happy with just sex."

That would have been enough for Kyon, enough to make him certain of what the esper was thinking. But, as always, Koizumi just had to push that little bit further.

"I've never made love before," the esper murmured. "I'd like to know how it feels."

Kyon's cheeks were burning so much that in normal circumstances he would have tried to avoid seeing anyone else for a week. He held Koizumi's gaze even as his heart tugged in his chest and a thousand things he could say, should say, whirled through his mind. He parted his lips as if to speak but the words died before reaching them.

Slowly, he curled his fingers over the back of Koizumi's hand. He watched their hands as he spoke as though he had never seen anything so strange or confusing. In a way, he hadn't. This simple touch was far more intimate than anything that had gone before. He just wished he knew what it meant.

"Could _you_?" he asked, voice low as if he hadn't spoken for hours. "Could you picture us together?"

Koizumi gave a soft laugh and with a smile that only just reached his eyes, squeezed Kyon's hand.

"Every day," he said simply.

And then Kyon surprised himself. He didn't have an answer but the _lack_ of an answer was suddenly crystal clear in his mind. It wouldn't be resolved now. He needed time to think.

"It's not fair," Kyon murmured, his own expression almost as sorrowful as Koizumi's had been before. He gently released the esper's hand and let his own drop to his side.

"I'm sor-"

"It's not fair on _you_," Kyon explained. "I haven't been fair on you and anything I say now is only going to make it worse."

"Kyon?"

"I can't agree because if I'm wrong then it'll fuck everything up-"

"Kyon."

"-and I can't refuse because I don't know what I-"

"Kyon, you're rambling."

So he stopped. Instead of talking, Kyon leant forward and pressed his lips softly against Koizumi's. It was just a kiss, his hands remained by his sides and he made no effort to move the rest of his body. But it was a slow kiss that was as sad as it was sweet and as he drew away, Kyon could feel that Koizumi understood. The electric energy in the air from before was gone now as was the passion of Koizumi's confession. Instead there was nothing. A void that needed filling. A question that needed an answer.

"Give me some time," Kyon said quietly. "I want to do things right."

After a long moment, Koizumi nodded. There was nothing else he could do.

"I'll wait," he promised.

-x-

Summer was dying. It started slowly but as the days rolled past it became clear that autumn was drawing close. Kyon wondered if things would have been different had it been the start of summer, whether reaching a decision would have been easier.

Probably not, he decided. But it was nice having something to blame other than himself.

The first week was painfully slow. It probably wasn't possible to think so much that your head imploded and exploded at the same time but Kyon was having a good go at it. By the time Thursday rolled around, it felt as if his eyeballs were going to fall out under the weight of the thoughts filling up all the space inside his skull. He had spent the week lounging around his room alternately staring at his phone, his laptop, his pile of notes and homework and, when all else failed, his hands.

It was strange but they no longer seemed to belong to him. It was as if distance and time meant nothing and that, in some way, Koizumi was still holding expectantly onto his hand. He sat at his desk and furled and unfurled his fingers in an effort to shake the sensation. He couldn't. He knew that probably meant something but the more he thought about it, the harder it seemed to understand.

It had seemed simple for a moment there, in Koizumi's room. Not easy but simple to understand. Kyon just had to follow his train of thought along until it ended up in a station named either 'yes' or 'no'. Once he had disembarked and got his ticket, he could face Koizumi and finish what had been started. However, his personal train of thought seemed to have got itself stuck in a loop and was increasing in speed. As the scenery blurred past outside he could no longer remember what a station looked like, let alone find out which one he was headed towards.

As metaphors went, this one rivalled Koizumi's for strangeness. Somehow, the thought wasn't comforting.

At five minutes to six, Kyon remembered that the Brigade meeting was due at his room and leapt into action, filling the void in his mind with practical matters involving dirty socks and unwashed plates. It was a small triumph when it was tidy but it made him feel a little better. This mood entirely dissipated as the usual ragtag bunch gathered, sans Koizumi.

Haruhi had a new passion for something involving the DVD player. By the time she had left, that was all Kyon had managed to gather other than that she was annoyed that Koizumi was missing again and annoyed at Kyon for staring at the door for almost three hours straight. She shut the door with a slam behind her.

"Asahina-san," Kyon said suddenly, jolted into movement by the noise. The girl jumped, having not expected him to offer anything after such a prolonged silence.

"What's the matter, Kyon-kun?" she asked, tilting her head to one side. A pale echo of the usual brand of Asahina-induced calm passed through Kyon's gloom but it didn't last long.

"Have you heard from Koizumi this week?" he asked, fighting to keep his voice casual. "He usually lets Haruhi know if he's not going to be here."

Asahina shook her head sadly. "I heard from him on Monday. All he said was that he was no longer angry at you. What's happened, Kyon-kun? Did you upset him again?"

A little hurt at the lack of faith being displayed and feeling an acute pang of guilt, Kyon shrugged.

"I'm sure he'll be here next week," Asahina said with her usual cheerfulness. "You look tired, Kyon-kun. Maybe you should sleep instead of worrying about it."

He said goodnight to her and Nagato who had been quietly listening in the corner and watched them leave with a sinking feeling in his chest. When around the girls, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. How could things be so complicated without having an effect on the group as a whole? Although, Kyon reflected as he rolled onto his bed with a sigh, it _was_ affecting the group; Koizumi was skipping meetings and he was acting strangely enough to worry Asahina. It was his fault entirely. If only he could...

He groaned and raised a hand to rub at his aching eyes. He _knew_ this was his fault, repeating that wasn't going to change anything. He had thought that a week of quiet reflection while in possession of all the facts would mean he'd be able to reach an answer easily. That approach worked with everything else. Unfortunately, exploring his sexuality, loyalties and affections wasn't as easy as answering a difficult essay question and all thinking was doing was giving him a headache.

Action. That's what he needed. He rolled over and snatched his phone off the nightstand, flipping it open aggressively. He scrolled through his contacts until Koizumi's name appeared and, ignoring the unpleasant feeling akin to nausea rising up from his stomach, let his finger hover over the dial button.

A full minute passed before he sighed and let the phone drop onto the bed next to him. What would a phone call achieve, anyway? Best to remain distant until he was sure.

-x-

Across the city, safe in the knowledge that the Brigade meeting was over, Koizumi stared at the screen of his cell phone. After a few moments, he shut it with a snap and set it neatly down on the windowsill before taking another cigarette out of an almost empty packet.

The Agency hadn't called which meant that his absence hadn't upset Haruhi enough to be a problem. He probably shouldn't risk it next week, though. Guilt was an unpleasant emotion he wasn't sure he'd be able to cope with in his current state.

Blowing smoke carefully out of the window and across the cityscape bathed in the dying light, Koizumi closed his eyes. He had a week to rebuild the persona he had worked so hard on. A week before, he had woken up to feel Kyon leaving his side.

A week seemed like an awfully long time now. He'd be okay again by next Thursday, whether Kyon had answered him or not.

He had to be.

-x-

The next two Brigade meetings were relocated to Asahina's room at Kyon's request. Although she enjoyed playing hostess a little too much, even she was beginning to feel worried.

It wasn't just that Kyon wasn't there, although that was a good start. Without him to balance things out, Haruhi was left to complain, tirade and mope as much as she liked, primarily about him not being there. The main problem lay in the reason for his absence. Naturally, Haruhi had screamed at him down the phone until he answered her although the truth made her a lot angrier.

The problem was that Kyon was skipping the meetings because he was 'seeing someone'. No one knew who this person was or in what sense he was seeing them but it was suspicious enough to make them all feel the tiniest bit jilted. Asahina had called him after the first week but had only been given vague answers and so hadn't felt brave enough to question him further.

By the second week of his absence, it became clear there was another problem too. Koizumi was acting strange. He had turned up to the first meeting looking uncharacteristically nervous but as soon as Haruhi had relayed Kyon's reasons for not being there, a smile as bright as the overheads in the stadium had snapped into place and he hadn't let it falter for a second. Not even when, after the second week, Asahina asked him if he and Kyon were still fighting.

"Of course not," he said brightly, smile so wide his cheeks must have been aching. "Something like that wouldn't stop him from coming here. He's far too good hearted for that."

"Then..." Asahina had faltered, not sure how to broach the subject of the esper's unnerving joviality.

"That whole episode has been concluded," Koizumi continued, not looking at Asahina but through her as though wishing she were standing in the way of someone else. "I'm sure Kyon-kun will come back once he's settled things with her."

"How do you know it's a girl?" Asahina asked with a small gasp. "Has he spoken to you about it?"

"Not at all," Koizumi answered promptly, climbing to his feet and moving towards the door. If he wasn't always such a calm and collected person, Asahina would have thought he was rushing to leave.

"I just know," he continued as he stepped out into the hallway. "It couldn't be anything else."

The moment the door shut behind him, the painful smile vanished from the esper's lips and as he walked back to his own dorms, his expression finally matched the sorrow in his eyes.

-x-

Midnight on the third Thursday after Koizumi's confession, Kyon didn't kiss the girl goodnight.

He was supposed to. Convention, movies and the small hand squeezing his own told him that kissing the girl you'd been with all day goodnight was really the only thing you could do. She evidently knew this too as when he smiled awkwardly and moved as if to walk away, she reached out for him and did the job herself.

It felt...strange. Not wrong, not really but no longer what he thought a kiss should feel like. There was something missing. He felt the thrill that few people can ignore when touching or kissing another person, especially a person they knew they found attractive. She was pretty, this girl. He had thought so when she had approached him at his party and that hadn't changed at all. She was nice, too, polite, kind and with a sense of humour that set Kyon at ease. But there was still something missing. As she broke the kiss and smiled up at him, her large, brown eyes shining, he realised what it was.

When Koizumi had kissed him, it had felt as though the esper was putting his everything into the touch, as though the kiss went far deeper than a mere brush of skin. He had never felt that with anyone else and he wasn't feeling it now.

He had first called her up with the vague idea that it would help him reach a decision. He had been suspecting – maybe even hoping – that being with her would feel right. And by feeling right, it would render the confusion he felt around Koizumi wrong. Thus, he could safely tell his friend that he couldn't picture them as a couple.

As soon as he realised this wasn't the case, he felt even worse than before. Not only was he keeping Koizumi waiting, he had now selfishly been using someone he didn't want to pursue a relationship with. He wasn't like that, not normally.

They said their goodnights and he went inside, already preparing a phone call to let her down. After the deed was done and he didn't feel any better or worse about the situation, he climbed into bed and lay staring into the darkness. He was afraid of who he would see when he closed his eyes.

-x-

The next week, a full month after Kyon had promised to reach a decision, Haruhi dragged the Brigade to the nearest coast under the excuse of saying goodbye to the summer.

Although she refused to admit it, summer had long since gone away and the day was cold and windy. They met at the station as the sun started to set, bundled up in scarves, hats and earmuffs for Asahina and to no one's surprise, Kyon was late. He ignored the honest relief on every face as he arrived and ignored Koizumi entirely, spending the whole journey instead staring at his shoes. Even if he had wanted to, he would have been unable to talk to the esper straight away as Haruhi insisted on questioning him all the way to their destination in her usual fashion of shouting so much he never had a chance to answer. He was almost grateful.

Once they reached the beach, Haruhi was gone, rushing across the damp sand with Asahina in tow. After a moment, she dashed back and grabbed Nagato as well.

"What the hell is she doing?" Kyon grumbled, watching the girls moving along the beach away from them. "It's not like this is the weather for paddling or sand castles."

A long silence answered his comment. He turned to Koizumi with wide eyes, meeting the esper's gaze for the first time since they had last met. Before he could stop himself, he had taken in Koizumi's appearance and knew it would be hard to forget. The beach was bathed in the warm, red light of the dying sun, colouring them as though they were being filmed through a filter. Koizumi's skin looked soft in this light, as it had under the street lamps, and wrapped up in a thick white scarf and dark coat, he looked a lot younger than usual. As Kyon met his eyes again, his lips twitched into a small smile.

"Of all the things I had been expecting you to say after so long," Koizumi said, voice a little softer than usual but otherwise casual, "I never imagined that sand castles would have anything to do with it."

There was another brief moment of silence and then Kyon found himself smiling back.

"Neither did I," he said, surprised at how strong his voice was. "How have you been?"

Koizumi shrugged, brushing one hand through his hair as it blew into his face in the breeze. Kyon was almost glad he hadn't smiled brightly and said he had been perfectly happy; a lie would be harder to handle than the truth.

"And you?" Koizumi asked. "How is the girlfriend?"

"She wasn't a girlfriend," Kyon said instantly, staring defiantly back in the face of Koizumi's penetrating gaze. "She was just a girl. She's not even a friend..."

Koizumi looked so surprised it would have been comical if Kyon hadn't suddenly felt guilty. After glancing to make sure the girls were not within earshot, he took a step towards Koizumi and raised a hand as if to touch his arm. Koizumi smartly took a step back.

"Don't," he said quietly. "Not if you've made up your mind."

"I haven't."

"Kyon! Koizumi! Get over here already, will you? What's taking so long?"

Haruhi's voice was carried to them on a gust of wind, inconsistent and reedy. Kyon shoved his hand back into his pocket against the cold and waved vaguely in Haruhi's direction. Without checking to see if they were following, she turned away and resumed her parading along the coastline.

"You haven't?"

Koizumi's voice came from behind him. Kyon remained facing the girls but shook his head. He felt a brief warmth as Koizumi brushed past his back and moved to stand on his left. They stood facing the sea, both watching the horizon with the determined expressions of those avoiding an awkward situation.

"I just don't know," Kyon said quietly, voice almost lost to the wind. "But I'm trying. I promise I'm trying."

Koizumi's eyes fluttered shut as he smiled but said nothing. Kyon glanced at him sidelong before turning his eyes back to the sea.

"Is that okay?" he asked. "I mean, it's been a month..."

Kyon felt rather than saw Koizumi move. The esper had taken his right hand out of his pocket and was letting it hang between them despite the cold air. As the silence stretched out, they both remained looking forward as if nothing was unusual. Kyon slipped his left hand back out of his pocket, wincing a little as the chill bit into his hand. It hung loosely at his side.

"It's okay," Koizumi said quietly. "If you don't know, you don't."

Kyon could feel Koizumi's hand near his own, that strange, prickling sensation that means someone is close but not quiet touching. When he was a child, the sensation had always terrified him. Now, he found his pulse speeding up and blood rushing to his cheeks. He knew that if he moved just slightly, he would be able to feel Koizumi's hand. Such a small distance suddenly seemed insurmountable.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled, fighting to keep hold on the guilt he had been feeling rather than this new sensation.

At the time, Kyon thought it had been Koizumi who had moved but later on wasn't so sure. The back of his hand brushed against Koizumi's palm and an exhilarating rush raced through his nerves. In contrast to the frigid air, Koizumi's skin was burning with heat and all the memories he could recall of the night they had spent together forced their way to the front of his mind. He turned his hand slowly until they were palm to palm in time for Koizumi to press the pad of one finger against one of Kyon's and drag the digit over his skin. Kyon shivered as Koizumi's finger brushed over his palm and reached his wrist before encountering the cuff of his jacket. And then the small moment was over, leaving Kyon feeling shaken.

There it was. There was whatever had been lacking from the girl's kiss, in something as simple as a brush of fingers. Kyon almost opened his mouth to end it then, to tell Koizumi that...but no. He couldn't be sure. Being sure should mean not being terrified.

"It's okay," Koizumi repeated quietly before stepping away from Kyon and starting after the girls. "We should hurry," he called over his shoulder. "I don't have enough money to pay for lunch if Suzumiya-san decides to punish us."

Kyon followed without saying a word, flinching a little as Haruhi began approaching them. If she had been a moment earlier and had even suspected, he had no idea what would happen. He didn't want to know. This was why he spent the remainder of the evening trying as hard as possible to deny Koizumi's existence.

This time, the esper didn't mind.

-x-

That night, Koizumi sat on his windowsill staring at his phone. He typed a few messages, all long and eloquently worded, before deleting them. It wasn't the time to be doing that. He had told Kyon it was okay to be indecisive and so shouldn't push him. If the basis of Kyon's final decision was a late night, heartfelt text-message it wouldn't feel real, somehow.

Deep in thought, Koizumi took a drag from a half-finished cigarette and promptly choked on the smoke. Once the coughing had subsided, he almost laughed. It had been a long time since he had done something so childish. Eyeing the smoke alarm to make sure he hadn't activated it, he realised he was on his last cigarette, again. He had been getting through packets with alarming speed recently.

_Since when did you _smoke?

Koizumi sighed and flicked the half-cigarette out of the window before shutting it tight, locking the cold night air out. He had never even considered quitting before. Maybe he just needed a challenge he could overcome. It certainly had nothing to do with Kyon. If he told himself that, he'd have no trouble with starting again if he was truly rejected for good.

-x-

Kyon felt distinctly uncomfortable. For the first time in a long time, it wasn't because of Koizumi.

They'd both been to the Brigade meeting that evening and while they had barely talked, they'd managed to complete a game of chess without anything dramatic occurring. Asahina seemed relieved, Haruhi had seemed satisfied and Nagato hadn't done anything unusual which probably meant she was happy too. Everyone had left Kyon's by ten, leaving him enough time for him to get ready for the event that was making him so uncomfortable.

Although autumn had truly taken hold and the nights were freezing, many of the university's societies had started organising clubnights and parties in an apparent attempt to combat the cold. While flicking aimlessly through the leaflets, Kyon had seen one that caught his attention as being almost amusingly fitting. Since the evening at the beach, Kyon had felt the need to reach a decision more than ever before. Maybe that was why he had summoned his courage and spent longer than usual on his appearance, after making the sure the chances of someone he knew seeing him were slim.

As soon as he entered the room, it became clear that the social lived up to its name. Not that he was allowing himself to think of the name. Instead telling himself that it wasn't certain that _all_ of the young men here were natural fashion, art or drama students any woman with half a brain cell and a liberal mind would be quite safe from being chatted up if they came in.

Being as uncertain as he was, Kyon felt a little like an intruder. It took a while to get used to the stares and appreciative smiles sent his way; such a reaction rarely greeted him anywhere after all. He told himself it was because none of them recognised him rather than that he was striking if he really put his mind to it. If the latter was the case, he had wasted many years in obscurity.

_This is an experiment,_ he reminded himself sternly. He recalled early science lessons, where they would use a control. The control experiment had then been his encounters with the girl from his party. If sober, polite and in the company of an attractive woman, Kyon felt...well, he knew the results. He also knew the results for the number of combinations involving alcohol and Koizumi. He needed another experiment to compare to these before he could be sure of any answer he might give.

Essentially, he was using someone else. He knew that. It seemed less cruel when it was all an effort at making things better between Koizumi and himself.

It was sickeningly easy to pick up a guy. Kyon wasn't sure whether it was because the guy in question had low standards or was desperate or because he looked desperate and easily manipulated. He approached Kyon when he was only on his third drink, the bartender blissfully not asking for ID. The guy's name was Kei and he was flashier than the sort of person Kyon would ever think of approaching himself. He'd dyed his hair a bright red that was strangely attractive, if unusual, and was wearing jeans, black fingerless gloves and not much else.

He was a few years older and bought Kyon a drink. It got easier from there.

-x-

On the walk back from Kyon's dorm, Koizumi received a phone call he had not been expecting. He had glanced around to make sure his friends had gone their own ways before answering.

"Akira."

"Hey."

There was a moment of silence that, while awkward, wasn't very uncomfortable. Koizumi was surprised that he didn't feel more about the call. He hadn't spoken to Akira since they had broken up. He hadn't lied to Kyon about how important Akira was to him it was just he now felt differently. He hadn't realised until then.

"Why are you calling?" he asked to break the silence.

"I miss you, Itsuki." Akira's voice was steady, sober, _serious_. "Have you been okay?"

"Uh...yes," he replied a little awkwardly, not wanting to lie. "I suppose. Are you all right?"

"I miss you," Akira repeated. The earnestness in his voice was almost upsetting. "A lot more than I bet you think I do. Could we meet up?"

"When?" Koizumi asked out of habit, speed increasing as if he wanted to be as far from Kyon as possible when talking about such things.

"Tonight." Akira said firmly. "Is that okay with you? Now I've finally called I don't want to waste any time."

After a long moment, Koizumi sighed and nodded although no one could see.

"Fine," he said. "Where?"

* * *

**A/N **_The next chapter will be up super soon as I am about to start writing it now. XD It's split since putting up to the end in this would make it around 10,000 words which no one should have to read in a fanfic in one go. _

_See you again soon! Please drop a review if you enjoyed it. 3_


	4. Dizzy

_**A/N**__: I am on my internet-knees begging you all for your forgiveness in this late update. The short version of the reason is that I took part in NaNoWriMo which meant I was writing like a crazy person for the whole month and was stupid to imagine I could update this at the same time. _

_I'll save the rest of my waffling until the end. Onwards with the final chapter._

_-x-_

The redhead's fingers were warm on the back of Kyon's neck. After a few minutes, he seemed to decide that this wasn't good enough and so slipped the black fingerless glove from his hand so as to press more of his skin against Kyon's.

They had been kissing for about an hour, on and off, filling the time in between each brush of lips with ordinary conversation, compliments given by Kei and denials voiced by Kyon. As time passed, the kisses had lost some of their hesitance and Kyon had the strange feeling that he'd never be able to forget the taste of these lips, nor the warmth of the fingers against his skin.

He'd stopped drinking too, as soon as Kei had first started touching him in a not-so-casual manner. Theoretically, this should have made the whole thing easier to think about. In reality, it meant that he could no longer deny it felt good without telling a barefaced lie. As with the girl from his class, each kiss set his nerves tingling, each light touch sent the blood rushing straight to his cheeks. The added adrenaline rush from this encounter not only being public but being with a flashy, red-headed male meant that Kyon was blushing almost permanently. These factors alone made it more enjoyable than his date with the girl.

_What the hell is wrong with me?_ He found himself thinking idly as Kei broke another kiss and rested his forehead against Kyon's. _Am I just an adrenaline-junkie? _He would take up bungee-jumping or something equally stupid if he thought it would help but somehow he didn't think that would work. After all, it hadn't been risky with Koizumi, had it? Not that he noticed at the time. That night, everything had seemed smooth and tender, as warm and gentle as the early morning sun. 'Danger' and 'risk' had been the furthest things from his mind. He wished they hadn't been.

"You okay?"

Kei's voice was deep and a little rough around the edges. Kyon almost jumped as he spoke, having been unconsciously expecting Koizumi's more gentle tones.

"Uh..." Kyon looked into dark, sincere eyes and didn't have the heart to lie. "I guess not."

"That's too bad," came the reply along with a teasing brush of lips. "Have I done something wrong? Are you not enjoying this?"

Kyon sighed and lowered his gaze. "It's not that."

It was the opposite, if he was honest, and it was scaring him. Not just because he knew now that he wouldn't be able to call Koizumi and refuse him on the grounds of orientation, something he knew the esper wouldn't argue with, but because as enjoyable as this was it still didn't come close to how he had felt when with Koizumi. _Nothing_ had felt like that. It was exactly the sort of answer he had set out to find but now that it was staring him in the face he felt terrified.

"I can't do this," he heard himself saying. "I can't."

Five minutes later, he found himself standing outside, the pulsing music from the bar still ringing in his ears. It had been raining while he was inside, leaving the air cold but crisp. He could never quite remember how he had got there or what he had said to excuse himself but he was willing to bet money that it wasn't very smooth. Between his fingers he held a scrap of paper bearing a phone number. Kei's, he assumed. The ink ran and bled into an unreadable mess as he dropped it into a puddle by his feet.

He started walking away without looking back, feet leading him in the opposite direction to his dorm. Maybe the night air would help slow his racing heartbeat and cool the blood in his cheeks that no longer had anything to do with Kei's kisses and everything to do with Koizumi.

_Being sure should mean not being terrified_. Only a week ago, he had believed that. Now, it didn't seem so simple.

-x-

As he neared the park, Koizumi fished in his pocket, reflexively searching for a pack of cigarettes and a lighter that were no longer there. It had been getting easier but he'd felt on edge since getting the call and now, knowing he'd be seeing Akira in a matter of minutes, he felt as though he was trembling all over.

He sat on a park bench with an almost inaudible sigh and glanced at his watch. Eleven. Akira would be there any moment. Turning his eyes upwards towards a street-light he tried to think about something else so that he wouldn't be too out of character when Akira turned up. _Out of character. _Once, he had considered dropping the act entirely around Akira, breaking down the remnants of the facade. He had never had the chance, in the end. He didn't want it to happen like this.

The bulb in the light was dying. It flickered on and off as though hesitant to try putting its all into shining lest it should lose all the power it had left. Koizumi watched it, expression blank. He wished it would fix itself soon or die altogether, the endless flickering being infinitely more irritating than darkness would be.

_I'm trying,_ the light whispered in Kyon's voice. _I promise I'm trying_.

"Hurry up," he whispered.

"Itsuki."

Koizumi turned quickly away from the light, expression undeniably guilt-ridden. Akira gave him a half-smile and approached the bench. Koizumi watched him, wordless for now. He seemed healthy, if a little sad. Akira always gave Koizumi the impression of being extremely attractive but more modest than was necessary, leaving most people with the feeling that he was lacking something where in reality he was close to perfect. Now, being dressed in a warm winter coat and a purple tartan scarf, he gave off this aura more than ever. Usually, Koizumi would feel a slight jolt, a slight pull in his chest when looking at Akira. This time, there was nothing.

Koizumi remembered buying him that scarf when they first met. He wondered if Akira had worn it on purpose. The esper jumped a little as Akira sat next to him, almost touching but not quite.

"Akira," he said at last. "It's...it's good to see you."

Apparently not noticing Koizumi's hesitance in the face of his own happiness, Akira smiled warmly.

"You too. You seemed strange on the phone, Itsuki. Has everything been okay?"

"Yes," Koizumi answered too quickly, finding himself unable to meet Akira's eye. "Why did you want to see me? Has something happened?"

"I was an idiot, that's what happened," the youth replied in a level voice. "I left you when I shouldn't have. People in our class have told me they've seen you out with the guy from the alley as well as some girls. He's just a friend, isn't he? You weren't lying."

In the silence that followed this statement, the irregular clicking of the flickering light rang out into the night. Koizumi stared resolutely at his hands, watching them turn a sickly yellow with each flash. At length, he felt Akira move until their shoulders touched. A hand, pale with the cold, touched his arm gently.

"Look at me."

He obeyed without thinking, being unable to do anything of his own volition. As he finally met Akira's dark gaze, he knew exactly what the youth would be thinking. In Akira's eyes, he had always been _handsome_, _stunning_, even _perfect_. He could see all these words swirling behind Akira's eyes, words twisted and skewed by the way Koizumi knew his own eyes were not smiling. He had wanted to hear those words from Akira before, wanted more than anything to be desired for who he was. Yet, Akira had never known who he was, not really.

Kyon knew. Kyon knew more than anyone. And that night, the word that had passed his lips had been _beautiful_, the most simple and most precious of them all.

Akira turned on the bench and let his fingers brush gently against Koizumi's cheek. He turned into the touch, a movement born of habit as much as reaching for his cigarettes had been.

"Can I kiss you?"

Koizumi almost laughed. That was Akira all over; overdramatic, overemotional, too ready to forgive and forget. Passionate. Instead of thrilling him, it struck a chord of fear in Koizumi's heart.

"I don't know," the esper murmured. "Why would you want to? I haven't contacted you since..."

"I love you."

Koizumi caught his breath, eyes widening. It should have been touching, hearing those words. Koizumi had always wanted them to be touching. But they felt _wrong_.

"Akira..."

"At least, I think I do," Akira continued, voice perfectly steady. "I used to think you felt the same way. So, can I kiss you, Itsuki?"

"I don't know," Koizumi whispered again. "Please, don't say-"

Soft, warm, familiar lips pressed against his own. _That _was Akira all over; passionate, overdramatic and too ready to ignore anything that didn't fit with his plans. And out of habit, Koizumi's eyes slowly closed.

-x-

Koizumi's window was dark.

At least, Kyon thought it was. Now he was actually here, he wasn't so sure he knew which window was the right one. He wasn't entirely sure _why_ he was here, either. He had been walking in the hope of clearing his mind but had only managed to work himself up further. It didn't help that a bottle of water he had bought from a late night convenience store had only managed to wash Kei's taste off of his lips. It was crystal clear in his memory.

He wanted to see Koizumi. It would be so easy, unless he had got the right window and Koizumi wasn't in. He remembered the room number and all needed to do was walk over to the intercom, press the button and wait for a reply. If Koizumi was in he could go up and say...what? _I think I'm ready to answer you but even thinking about saying it gives me a minor heart attack? I worked it out by letting some random girl kiss me and realising I didn't like it as much as I should? And then by letting some random guy kiss me and realising I didn't hate it? _It shouldn't happen that way. He didn't want it to happen that way. He didn't want it to happen at _all_, it was too frightening and embarrassing and a whole plethora of other words ending in '-ing' that he was too ashamed to say.

With a dejected sigh, he sat down on a low wall near the dorm building, staring into the middle-distance.

Sometimes, he wished he was more impulsive or passionate. If he could just think with his heart rather than his head then things would be so much simpler. He wouldn't have left Koizumi in the morning and they would have been able to talk everything out then. Maybe he'd be less scared if he'd had less time to think about it. He hadn't been scared when Koizumi had kissed him. He hadn't been worried at all when he'd felt fingers tracing his skin and done the same in return. He'd felt nothing but contentment and warmth as he held Koizumi against him and called him by his name. All the fear had come _after_.

"Fuck," Kyon mumbled, dropping his head into his hands to try and stop his thoughts. It wasn't like thinking was going to do him any good; if the last month had taught him anything, it was that. He needed to _do_ something.

From his perch on the wall, the intercom seemed a hundred miles away. He flipped open his phone and stared at the screen instead, the bright display hurting his eyes in the darkness. He browsed through his phonebook until Koizumi's name appeared and traced the display with the pad of one thumb.

"What do you want me to do?" he asked in a whisper.

-x-

It would be too easy to make love to Akira. The sentiment would come from one side at least and Koizumi had always been good at assuming a role, no matter how challenging.

Akira's kisses were tender and slow. With each brush of his lips, Koizumi remembered something he had been forgetting, like the way Akira's voice sounded when he was half-asleep or the way his cheeks would flush when Koizumi complimented him. He remembered how easy it was for Akira to reduce him to a powerless mess, breaths coming in shallow gasps and nerves on fire. Akira had learnt exactly how to talk, how to kiss, how to touch in order to break down all of Koizumi's walls. He had studied the esper's reactions to his every move with a sort of dedicated awe.

As Akira took Koizumi's lower lip between his teeth, a gentle movement he had been fond of, Koizumi's eyes slammed open.

Practice. Familiarity. Akira found it easy to make him feel good because he had spent months practicing. Once the thought had arisen, Koizumi couldn't stop it from continuing to the inevitable next step.

Kyon didn't have the benefit of experience. Not only that, but none of his actions had seemed measured or planned. One night with Kyon had felt better than any night he had spent with Akira. And Kyon had been right; when it came to Kyon, it was about more than sex. It was about more than friendship too. It was wrong to think it but since he was thinking it anyway, it was wrong to be doing this at all.

Akira might have been in love with him. Koizumi knew that, he could feel it. He still wanted Kyon. In a moment, he knew that settling for Akira and giving up on Kyon before his friend gave him an answer would be something he would regret forever, even if he ultimately ended up alone.

He drew away suddenly, wrenching himself from Akira's hold and moving to stand in front of the bench.

"I can't," he said, managing to keep his voice steady. Now that he had started talking, he found he couldn't stop. He spoke quickly, watching the happiness drain from Akira's face. "Please don't ask me to do this, Akira. It's been a month since we stopped seeing each other, you can't just ask me to act as if nothing happened."

"I'm sorry that I-"

"I know you are. So am I. It's not your fault. Thank you for the three months you shared with me. I was truly happy."

"Itsuki, don't-"

"I need to go now. I'm sorry."

He didn't smile. It was the only thing he could think of to do that could soften the blow. As he watched Akira's expression soften into one of resignation, the light above them flickered out at last and plunged them into darkness.

"Please don't call me again," Koizumi said quietly. "Goodbye, Akira."

Turning and walking away was easier than he would have expected. So was not looking back, even though he could feel Akira watching him from the pool of shadows until he left the park.

-x-

The digital clock on Kyon's phone informed him that it was eleven forty-four. He had been watching the minutes change since eleven thirty-two and still had no idea what he wanted to do. The vague idea that he couldn't sit here forever was creeping over him but he couldn't bring himself to leave without doing _something_. Perhaps a little step was needed, a tiny first move. Koizumi might have been utterly useless at games but he would surely see the move for what it was and react accordingly.

Kyon cursed his tendency towards thinking in stupid metaphors, a talent second only to Koizumi's, and shut his phone with a snap. He sat perfectly still for ten seconds and then flicked the phone open again with an angry groan.

"Why the hell am I doing this?" he muttered as he brought Koizumi's name up again and started furiously texting before he lost the nerve. After deleting and retyping the message six and a half times, Kyon settled for something simple and hit send with more violence than was necessary. As soon as this had been done, he leapt to his feet and started walking home with determined steps, phone gripped in one hand so that he would know the second he received a message.

-x-

For the first time since Akira had called him, Koizumi felt a sharp aching in his chest. He wondered if he qualified for the title of 'heartbreaker' now. The insistent buzzing in his pocket suggested that he did.

Since he had left the park, his phone had started ringing five times. Each time, it rang an average of seven times before the caller gave up, only to try again a minute later. He hadn't needed to check the caller ID but had done so anyway, just to be sure. He supposed he should credit Akira for having not followed him and questioned him in person but that somehow made it worse.

He had never left someone before, let alone someone who professed to love him.

As he rounded the corner to his dorms, he felt his phone vibrating again. He flinched as it started and was reaching into his pocket to finally turn it off when it stopped after one buzz. A text message. Hurrying as he was, Koizumi flipped the phone open and read the message without checking the sender, assuming it would be obvious if anyone else was contacting him.

The message was short and left no doubt in his mind:

_Good night, Itsuki._

He wrote a reply quickly, barely looking at his screen, and then turned the phone off. If Akira was still calling by tomorrow, he'd think of something to say. At that moment, he just wanted to sleep.

-x-

Kyon jumped as his phone vibrated when he was barely a block away from Koizumi's dorm. He managed to walk the length of a street pretending he didn't care before he gave in and flipped the phone open. The white light from the display illuminated a hopeful expression although he wasn't sure what he was hoping for.

A second later, he knew. He had been hoping for anything other than the reply he had received. It was short and to the point but told Kyon more than he had wanted.

_Stop it, Akira. _

Kyon stopped dead in his tracks, unsure how to feel. Angry? Of course. If Koizumi still had Akira, why was he letting Kyon suffer? But he felt more than just angry, he felt hurt, childish and more than a little stupid. Here he'd been trying to seriously make a decision about his life and the moment he'd taken a step towards ending the process, Koizumi was throwing a spanner in the works.

_Stop it._ What did that mean? Were they fighting? Being playful? Had he even read Kyon's heartfelt text or had it been lost in an array of quick-fire love notes? He was such an idiot, letting himself get caught up in this.

Kyon was vaguely aware that he might be misunderstanding things but for the moment, he didn't care. He just wanted to go home and forget about the whole sorry mess, shower until he could stop smelling Kei's body-spray and then sleep for a week. It sounded like a plan. A much better plan than any of the others he had made recently.

Realising he was still standing motionless and holding his phone, Kyon took a deep breath and tried to snap out of it. His finger hovered over the reply button but he snapped the phone shut without doing anything. If Koizumi was busy with Akira then he could wait a little longer for Kyon's answer.

-x-

By eleven the next morning, it seemed that Koizumi wouldn't be waiting for as long as Kyon wanted.

"Kyon, be ready by seven!"

He rubbed his eyes free of sleep and blinked once or twice before repositioning the phone against his ear.

"What?"

Haruhi's sinfully cheerful morning-voice started the inevitable decline into anger. "Are you deaf? You shouldn't sleep so much. Seven, I said, _seven_. Be ready."

"What for?"

"Brigade meeting."

"Where?"

"Your room."

"_Why_?"

"Because I said so, idiot. Get food in okay? Bye!"

The line went dead and Kyon rolled over with a groan. So much for sleeping for a week. He glanced around the bombsite that had once been his room and hauled himself out of bed. If he didn't tidy up enough, Haruhi would likely hit him with whatever mess he had left on the floor.

As he was bending down and retrieving lost socks from under the desk, his mind caught up with him. Brigade meeting. Tonight. Haruhi was now the least of his worries. What was he going to say to Koizumi? His resolve of the night before had virtually vanished to be replaced by an acute sense of shame.

It was one thing to fall for your friend. It was another to fall for a guy. It was yet another thing to screw someone over and leave them hanging. Doing all of these things in one go as well as then finding out said male friend was still in contact with a serious ex-partner was another thing entirely. Kyon wondered why he was fated to have such a complicated life. Other people managed to have a friendship group and a few love interests. If it wasn't so ridiculous, he'd have considered writing everything down in the hope it made others feel happy about their boring, blissful existences.

He was mulling this idea over again that evening as he sat on the floor and watched Haruhi getting gradually more frustrated with a videogame. She sat in his chair, legs splayed each side of the back-rest. Asahina sat daintily on his bed, watching the game with a bemused expression. Nagato perched on the end of the bed, holding a book that could have been used as a bludgeon. There was an empty patch of air on the floor next to Kyon where Koizumi should have been.

In between reminding Haruhi that games weren't to be taken too seriously, Kyon flipped his phone open and shut convulsively. It seemed that no one knew where Koizumi was, not even Asahina. She kept sneaking worried glances at Kyon when she thought he wouldn't notice. Although annoyed by Koizumi's absence, Haruhi soon became too wrapped up in her impulse-bought game to worry about his whereabouts or notice Kyon's increasing gloom.

"What does this button do again?" Haruhi asked for the thousandth time and Kyon was grateful to hear Nagato answering her, eyes still glued to the page.

He hauled himself to his feet and wandered over to the window, feeling Asahina watching him intently with her large eyes. Normally, he would be grateful for the attention. As it was, he stared out of the window, phone clutched in one hand. The rain from the night before had returned with a vengeance and had been drenching the city since the morning. Everything beyond the window was grey and miserable, something which didn't help Kyon's mood in the slightest. Summer was well and truly over, it seemed.

Watching a raindrop chase its way down the window pane, Kyon felt his chest tightening until his hands began to clench with rage. It wasn't _fair_. None of it. The whole damn situation was stupid and unnecessary. He wanted to blame it all on Koizumi, it'd be so much easier if he could hate the esper and forget about everything as if he wasn't involved. But he was. He had wanted Koizumi to wait. He had insisted on finding the truth rather than going with his gut instinct and running from the things that frightened him. He should have known that being brave would never pay.

Haruhi cut through his thoughts with an incoherent cry of rage.

"Kyon, this game is stupid."

He turned to her, expression stormy.

"It's your game. Don't blame me for wasting your money."

She opened her mouth to say something but then caught sight of his expression. Large brown eyes softened with sincere worry and an uneasy silence smothered the room as Kyon found all eyes turned on him.

"Are you waiting for a call?" Haruhi asked in a quiet voice, pointing towards the phone still held in his hand. Kyon looked at it blankly before shrugging. Asahina climbed to her feet and offered him a kind smile.

"I would have thought Koizumi-kun would call and tell us where he is," she said, Haruhi nodding in agreement.

"It's rude of him, isn't it? And I have to leave now, anyway. He's been missing out."

_More like you've been missing out on someone helping you_, Kyon thought but said nothing. His lips felt glued together and he found his gaze inexorably drawn back out to the rain. He watched as a large raindrop chased a smaller one down the length of the glass, their trails blurring together. If Koizumi had been there, he would have made some smart comment. As it was, Kyon just felt terribly alone.

Which was stupid, really. Until the month before, Koizumi had just been a friend, hadn't he? A month's worth of affection should be easy to forget.

Kyon heard the others leaving behind him and mumbled a good-bye without turning. If they were upset, he'd deal with them later. He watched from the window as the girls bundled into a taxi together, the rain soaking them during the small dash from the door to the car. He watched until the taxi had sped out of sight, water spraying up from its wheels as it sped past the overflowing gutters.

_Stop it, Akira._

It repeated in his mind like a mantra, taunting him with its simplistic denial of everything he had decided upon. It was strange really, that he had trusted Koizumi so readily despite his own doubts. He had questioned his own feelings, never the esper's. It had all felt too real. He hadn't realised Koizumi was _that_ good of an actor.

With a shake of his head, Kyon opened his phone and deleted the offending text message. He felt like he was becoming bitter and twisted when any sensible almost-adult would just brush it under the rug. By deleting the text message, he felt a little better. It wouldn't last though, this placebo. The problem was that he didn't know where to find medication to stop himself from wanting to act stupidly and make a fuss. He raised his eyes back to the rain and gazed down at the miserable, empty street below.

Which was no longer empty. Koizumi was standing on the street two stories down, watching Kyon through the rain. Kyon froze, phone still held before him and expression blank. His first thought was that Koizumi must just be late but of course that was too simple, the timing too perfect. As his mind started running again he realised that the esper was standing in the downpour without a jacket and would be soaked to the skin. His hair clung to his face in dark, wet strands and even from this distance it was clear to Kyon that Koizumi was not smiling. The esper pulled out his phone and began typing something, letting the device stand uncovered in the rain.

He jumped as his phone buzzed in his hand and he flipped it open, glancing back at Koizumi every few moments as if expecting him to disappear. He had a text message and wondered why he still felt surprised.

_I'm sorry for the intrusion_, it read. _Can I come up?_

Why? Was he going to tell Kyon he'd decided to get back together with Akira permanently? Was he going to lie and act as if he'd never sent that text message? That is, if he was even aware he had sent it to Kyon. It would be safest to tell him a firm _no_ and gather his thoughts.

With a sigh, Kyon keyed in a quick reply and turned away from the window.

_Sure. The door downstairs is unlocked. Let yourself in._

Safety was overrated, it seemed.

In the time it took Koizumi to climb the stairs, Kyon managed to do nothing other than turn and lean on the windowsill. Part of him wanted to go and lock the door, to bar Koizumi entrance and carry on pretending the impending conversation didn't need to happen.

Too late, he started forwards as the door swung open and the esper stepped inside. His sneakers squeaked on the floor as he turned to shut the door behind him, leaving dark marks on the carpet as water cascaded off their surface. He brought in the sharp, cold smell of rain and night-time air and Kyon crossed his arms over his chest to suppress a shiver. He had to suppress another as the esper turned back to face him properly, leaning back against the door as if tired.

'Drenched' would have been an understatement. His shirt, presumably a bright red usually, had been dyed a deep brown and clung to his chest, shoulders and arms, the wet and heavy cuffs hanging against the back of his hands. His skin was very pale from the cold and slick with the rain. Still not smiling, his eyes were dark as he raised them to Kyon's.

"Thank you," he said quietly.

Kyon shrugged, endeavouring to move as little as possible.

"For what? You were meant to be here anyway."

"Ah, yes, I was wasn't I? My apologies."

Koizumi pushed himself away from the door and took a few steps into the room, pausing as he reached the chair Haruhi had vacated. Since it was facing towards the window, he rested his hands on the back to support himself.

"So?" Kyon asked, lowering his gaze to Koizumi's hands. "Where were you? What were you doing?"

"I had some things to think about," Koizumi answered without hesitation as if he had been planning his response while standing in the rain. "Not that it did me any good."

"Like Akira?"

The words were out before Kyon had decided he wanted to say them and he felt his cheeks flushing, mortified at assuming the role of jealous lover. He turned his face away as soon as he had spoken and so missed the genuine surprise that flashed across Koizumi's face. His fingers tightened around the back of the chair.

"Why would you mention him?" he asked. "I haven't-"

"You're seeing him, aren't you?" Kyon ploughed onwards, unable to stop now he had started. "Isn't that what you came here to tell me? You've been texting him so I guess you've been seeing him too. It's not that I care," he said in defiance of obvious hurt in his voice, "it's just that you should tell me. So?"

"How did you know I've been texting him?"

"Check your sent box."

"I'm afraid I deleted it this morning."

Kyon closed his eyes for a moment, remembering the effort that had gone into sending something so simple. All that thought and courage had been wasted. He felt rather than saw Koizumi straighten up and move around the chair before falling into it heavily. The esper rested his hands on his knees, the sodden denim cold to the touch.

"Did I send one to you?" he asked quietly.

Kyon nodded, staring stoically at the wall. If he acted apathetic enough, perhaps he would actually start feeling that way. With his hands shaking, it seemed worth a shot.

"What did it say?" Koizumi's voice was soft and Kyon almost looked around, remembering his resolve at the last moment.

"It doesn't matter," he lied. "So, what happened? With Akira."

"I met him," Koizumi started. Kyon dug his fingers into his arm. "Last night. After the meeting. He called me out to the park and I just...went. I don't know why."

"And?" In comparison to the gentle nature of Koizumi's confession, Kyon's words were sharp as broken ice.

"He apologised for getting angry before. He...he kissed me. He told me he loved me, Kyon."

It shouldn't have hurt. It shouldn't have meant anything. Yet the last few weeks spiralled away in Kyon's memory as a painful and confusing waste of his time. He should have said something, before, before he was sure. If he was such a big fan of risk he should have known better. He stood silently, waiting for the apology that would inevitably come. Koizumi would tell him not to feel guilty and to forget about the whole thing and go back to charming Asahina and Haruhi to boot. _Just like before. Just like always. _Just thinking the words left a bitter taste in his mouth.

"I'm sorry. You don't want to hear this."

There it was. Feeling safer now he knew where this was going for sure, Kyon turned back to the esper with defiant eyes. It took less than a second to realise that Koizumi's eyes were shining with what he hoped were unshed tears. He'd never seen the esper cry, had hardly believed it was possible. He pushed himself away from the window with a frown.

"Those better be raindrops I can see on your cheeks."

Koizumi's lips twitched into a half-smile that slipped away after only a second. He shook his head hesitantly, indicating he had no idea if they were or not.

"Someone who's just been confessed to shouldn't be crying," Kyon stated, dropping to his knees in front of the esper, his own worries taking a backseat to this bizarre spectacle. "If you're upset because you didn't want to tell me or something stupid like that, just forget it. I already knew that-"

"I left him."

Koizumi raised dark eyes to Kyon's, a single tear falling and adding a new trail to the raindrop sheen of his cheeks. Now he was closer, Kyon could see that Koizumi was trembling all over, the cold radiating from him in waves.

"What?"

"I left him," Koizumi repeated firmly. "He asked me to be with him and I refused. He didn't stop calling and texting me until this afternoon. At first he was apologetic but the last few messages were...cruel. I've broken his heart, apparently."

Kyon could do nothing but watch in confusion as Koizumi's fingers curled into his jeans.

"Why would I do that, do you think?" he continued. "I'm not blind, Kyon, I can see how angry you are at me. I know what your decision is going to be. I've gone and refused the only person to care about me like that for no reason whatsoever. So please...please just go ahead and say it. I can't wait anymore."

Broken. That was the word. Kyon had never imagined Koizumi could look so lost and vulnerable, not even after everything that had happened. He was sitting slumped in the chair, head bowed and eyes shut, water droplets falling from his hair onto his hands and legs. He seemed smaller, somehow. Maybe it was the way the rain had flattened his hair and clothes against his body or maybe it was the way he was sitting but it was frightening to see the esper in such a way.

He needed to say something. A thousand answers presented themselves in his head ranging from the eccentric to complete and utter lies. This was the moment he had been dreading; whatever he did now was going to set his decision in stone. Anger no longer clouded his vision; now he knew what had happened, the whole incident with Akira seemed trivial and meaningless, to Kyon if not to Koizumi. Now more than ever it was clear that Koizumi had chosen him.

With dry lips, Kyon cleared his throat but couldn't find the right words to say. He could talk about Kei, or the girl from his class, or the way he had been able to feel his heart pounding in his throat when sending the text that had been lost. Maybe he didn't even need that; a simple _yes_ would be enough to let Koizumi know.

"Kyon?"

Eyes fixed on the floor, Kyon raised his hands and rested one over each of Koizumi's, flinching at the coldness of the esper's skin. He held them gently, sliding his thumbs from side to side in an absent attempt to warm Koizumi up. A drop of water from Koizumi's hair landed on the back of Kyon's hand and he jolted, holding his breath as it traced an icy line down his skin.

"You're cold," he said at last, voice barely above a whisper. "It was stupid to go out without a coat."

"Kyon..."

"I probably have a shirt you can borrow somewhere. If you get ill, it's gonna be my fault, right?"

"That's not an answer."

"_I know_."

"So-"

"Just...just give me a moment, okay?"

"A moment. Or I'll know I have to leave."

Kyon hesitated for a second, still unable to pick the words that would end this limbo once and for all. The silence was too long and he felt Koizumi shift beneath his hands. Before the esper could stand, Kyon raised himself higher on his knees and leant forward, pulling Koizumi towards him with firm arms. Koizumi's shirt was almost painfully cold beneath his bare arms and he shuddered at the clamminess of the contact but held on, pressing his forehead against the esper's chest so that he wouldn't have to see his expression.

Koizumi inhaled sharply at the action and Kyon could feel him tense up in the hold. Pressing himself still closer, he could feel a faint heat working its way through the material from Koizumi's skin. He wanted to cling onto that warmth, find a way to dispel the cold entirely and soften the air. Suddenly, all the words he could say sounded stupid and crude in his head and the idea of giving them voice made him feel sick. As Koizumi slid forward into the embrace and raised his hands to press almost fearfully against Kyon's chest, he knew he couldn't say them. Words meant nothing. _This_ was real, this feeling, these actions. If only he knew what to do now.

"Kyon." Koizumi's voice was stronger than his had been and void of any definite emotion. Closing his eyes and raising himself higher so as to hold the esper more firmly, Kyon spoke in a hushed voice.

"You say my name a lot."

"I suppose I do. Do you not like it?"

"I don't know. I don't mind, I guess."

Koizumi wove hesitant fingers into Kyon's hair, provoking a small, defeated smile against his shirt.

"A moment was over a long time ago," the esper said although the trace of amusement in his voice suggested he had already reached a conclusion. "Do you have an answer for me?"

"I..." Kyon sighed squeezed his eyes shut more tightly. "You asked if I could picture us together, right? Like..._together_ together."

"Yes."

"I guess...I still can't." Kyon tightened his hold, having been expecting Koizumi's sudden motion to stand. "No, _wait_. I said I _can't_. I've never been very imaginative. It's pretty depressing sometimes, you know? But that doesn't mean anything. I've been thinking about it. I've been thinking about it a _lot_. I'm sorry I let it go on for so long."

"So..." Koizumi's voice was quiet again and Kyon found himself laughing, a small, broken sound that betrayed more anxiety than he would have liked.

"I can't picture it," he said. "But I want to be able to."

The fingers returned to his hair and as Koizumi moved one hand to brush tentatively against on cheek, Kyon turned into the touch.

"That is, if you still-"

"I do."

Gentle hands raised Kyon up until they were both standing, Koizumi trembling with the cold in Kyon's arms. As the water started soaking into his shirt as well, Kyon made the conscious decision not to move away.

"I do still want that," Koizumi repeated, finally catching and holding Kyon's gaze. "Of course I do."

"Then..."

Kyon had no idea what he was meant to do now. There was nothing but affection and warmth in Koizumi's eyes other than a natural flicker of fear that Kyon knew would be evident in his own expression. It didn't matter what they'd done before, this was where things became real, concrete. Nothing would excuse this in months to come. Something fluttered in Kyon's chest as Koizumi leant forward and he waited until he could feel the esper's breath warm on his lips before he pulled away.

"You're going to get sick," he said, adopting a businesslike tone to try and hide the flushing in his cheeks. "You need to get out of those clothes."

There was a brief silence during which Kyon cringed and Koizumi fought the urge to laugh.

"They're not going to dry until the morning," he said, raising his hands to his shirt buttons obediently.

"Guess not."

"Do you have something I can borrow?"

Kyon turned away as Koizumi began peeling the sodden material away from his skin.

"Don't be stupid," he said with a smile.

Warmth was the excuse. Even out of his clothes, Koizumi was visibly suffering from the cold and in the small student room the only logical place for him to go was the bed. The fact that Kyon joined him a moment later, leaving his only slightly damp shirt on the back of the chair, was just a detail.

With the blankets pulled up to his neck, Kyon pulled the esper towards him and wondered how he had ever considered letting this pass by. It was strange and stupid and with Haruhi around could be downright dangerous but those were also just unimportant details when compared to this.

"Are you warm enough?" he asked, wiping the few remaining beads of liquid from Koizumi's cheeks and forehead.

Koizumi said nothing, leaning towards Kyon with a tiny smile. As their lips met, Kyon let his eyes flutter closed. Koizumi's hair was cold against his forehead but that didn't matter, nor did the fact he knew there was a redhead out there somewhere waiting for a call. _This_ was where he needed to be, after all. It was a tender kiss at first, an agreement of sorts, they way it should have started and actually could have if either of them could remember. As the kiss deepened and Kyon felt himself melting into the moment he was forced to pull away.

"You stopped smoking," he said, voice broken by breaths that were far too shallow. He didn't understand why Koizumi's smile was as bright as it was but found himself smiling back before he was pulled in for another brush of lips. He pulled away again after a moment.

"I never told you what my text message said."

"No, I suppose I forgot. What did it say?"

Ignoring the way he could barely hear over his own heartbeat, Kyon softly kissed the esper before speaking against his lips.

"Good night, Itsuki."

"Thank you," he murmured. "I think...I think that if I had realised that was from you, things wouldn't have been so...confused."

"I think that if I hadn't run out on you before, things would-"

"'Ifs are pointless really," Koizumi cut in, shifting the blame away from either of them. "Anyway, 'good night'? It's far too early to sleep."

"I suppose so," Kyon whispered.

This time, Kyon made sure he could remember everything. Each touch, each kiss, each murmured word and hesitant smile. He pushed all logic away, letting the heat envelop him and burn each moment into his memory. It didn't matter that it had taken him so long to agree to giving in to this. All that mattered was that Koizumi's skin was warm, his kisses gentle and his smiles genuine. That combination and the molten electricity running through his nerves was enough to stop Kyon from questioning his decision, even for a moment.

The rain still falling outside sang them to sleep, limbs entangled well enough to prevent either from leaving even if they had wanted to.

-x-

The insistent buzzing of a phone set to silent broke through the still morning.

Koizumi fell out of the bed with a groan, having been waving an arm vaguely in the direction of his jeans for a few minutes to no avail. Kyon turned over to watch him stumble across the room to find the offending device. The peaceful atmosphere of the night endured as he watched the esper struggle with pockets, hair tousled and neck marked in a mildly embarrassing way.

Kyon's sense of embarrassment increased sharply as Koizumi finally answered his phone and the reality of the morning sunk in.

"Asahina-san, good morning."

The girl's voice was frantic enough for Kyon to pick up as Koizumi returned and nestled back under the sheets.

"...have you been? Neither you nor Kyon-kun have been answering my calls since last night. Has something happened?"

"Mm," Koizumi agreed vaguely, taking hold of one of Kyon's wrists and draping an arm over himself. "I suppose you could say that."

"Please tell me about it, Koizumi-kun. I've been so worried recently, and Kyon-kun looked really anxious last night too..."

"There's no need to worry. Both Kyon and I are fine. He can tell you himself."

Before he had time to prepare, a phone was thrust at his face and Kyon managed to stutter an agreement before it was snatched away.

"See?"

"Huh?" Asahina's confusion was almost palpable. "But why...why is he..."

"We're together," Koizumi said simple.

"Yes, you'd have to be for him to speak but..."

Kyon could picture her expression during the long moments of silence that followed. His expression must have been horrified as Koizumi shot him a weak smile that invited Kyon to trust his motives. Asahina knew almost everything else, it seemed. Kyon supposed it couldn't hurt but it didn't make it any less mortifying.

"Oh," she said at length. "Oh, I...I didn't think Kyon-kun..."

"Neither did I," he mumbled into the pillow, glad Asahina couldn't hear.

"I'm happy that you sorted things out but what about Suzumiya-san?"

Koizumi caught Kyon's eye and his smile faded. Not willing to let _Haruhi_ ruin the long-awaited moment of certainty he had been struggling for, Kyon raised a hand to Koizumi's cheek and offered a smile that was more gentle than anything he'd have thought himself capable of that early in the morning. Koizumi closed his eyes and sighed.

"Please keep this a secret for now, Asahina-san. I know that...well, I understand. I'll work something out so please do not trouble yourself about it."

"If you're sure."

Asahina sounded worried still but Kyon knew he could trust her. It struck him that, out of all of them, she had possibly been the most aware of what was going on, even if she didn't realise it. It was sinful that he'd let that happen to dear, sweet Asahina. From now on, he'd have to work things out for himself.

"But, Koizumi-kun..." she continued. "You and Kyon-kun...you'll be all right, won't you?"

Kyon closed his eyes as Koizumi claimed his lips in a swift and silent kiss, holding the phone away from the bed. He waited for a moment after drawing away, watching Kyon closely as if expecting him to move away. When he didn't, he closed his eyes with a grin.

"Yes," he said, bringing the phone back to his ear and resting his forehead against Kyon's. "I think we'll be fine."

-x-

_**A/N**__: it amuses me that so many people though Koizumi was going to end up in the nightclub. I vut that scene in a baaaad place._

_Anyway...apologies first for the not-brilliant ending. I can never seem to pull off happy endings but I hope this was good enough for you all. Also, more apologies for the lateness. This is the last time I plan a oneshot and then agree to make it multi-chaptered. XD I shall be writing more for this pairing though, I think. But short things. Nice, short, uncomplicated things._

_So much love and my eternal thanks to everyone who reviewed. So many kind words. I feel rather special. _

_This fanfiction completed using the following motivations: Katy/MySapphireEyes and her anger, piles of cute Itsukyon fanart and the song _Kiseki_ by Daisuke Ono and Hiroshi Kamiya. My thanks to these things also._


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